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Today is not a good day. It's kind of a culmination of several bad days weeks months in a row. Feeling isolated and lonely and without options is just about the suckiest thing to suck, and all of my close girlfriends (the ones I don't have to explain myself to, don't have to filter myself to) live in other states. That makes me feel trapped like whoa.

Everyone that I've been friends with here in my town has pretty much dropped me because of all the struggles with the family. No one wants to have to deal with it, I get it. Shit, *I* don't want to deal with all the drama in my life over the past 8 months. But the solution to these well-meaning at first folk is to get me to go to parties. Where everyone seems to miraculously know intimate details I've only shared with one person. So yeah, not really feeling it. Not to mention that I don't WANT to be in a giant party of no real connection.

Since I don't want to only associate with who I believed were my friends in a giant social setting, I no longer hear from anyone. Fuck, I just want to go have lunch with someone I care about and have a good time, I don't want to go to some giant cocktail party with people I don't know. I just want someone to give me a hug, JFC.

So I do nothing, and haven't done anything with anyone other than my immediate family for 8 months now, and I'm going a little crazy as a result.

Everyone in the family is gone for the weekend, which should make me happy because hey! Quiet house to myself, that's a rarity! Except I have no desire to write (what I would normally do in this situation) because quite honestly, no one gives a shit about the stuff I'm writing (I can't even get trusted FAMILY MEMBERS to read some of the things I'm working on and tell me anything about it - even that it sucks. They just...won't read it.), which makes it very hard to care about it myself. Wah, wah, poor white girl with a roof over her head, I know. I make myself eyeroll, too, and this is not the journal you signed up for.

Pleh. It's just one of those "why bother? With anything?" sort of days, but I seem to be having them a LOT lately.

ION, I plan on making this for my dinner because no one will eat them before I get a chance to. If avocado fries can't cheer me up...


Maybe I should create an alter-ego and fight crime. Or turn tricks. Or turn tricks while fighting crime. It's good to be ambitious, I hear? =P

/insert OMG do I try gold star


( 73 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 14th, 2013 04:57 pm (UTC)
I love you! And I love your writing! And I would visit you in a heartbeat, even in TX in the summer, and would happily take you to dinner and sit with you over coffee and float in the pool with you and everything.

Your life is tough, honey. Of course you're feeling depressed. (And you are.) I wish I could magically give you an amazing support system and an excellent therapist and an off-button for everyone who drains the life from you.

And real friends don't turn tail when times get tough. So those people around you SUCK.
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:34 pm (UTC)
You are one of my most favorite people on planet EARTH to do ANYTHING with, and I would love love love to be able to get away and do everything or nothing at all with you by my side.

*deeeeeeep breath* Sometimes I need to vent (and need to remember that I CAN do that).

<3 <3
Jun. 14th, 2013 05:07 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, I'm sorry. I hope you start to feel more toward the light (as in illuminated) side soon. I would hope that, if I were in TX, I would be a better friend than those who purport to care about you.

Edited at 2013-06-14 05:08 pm (UTC)
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you for that. I do believe things will get easier, I just wish I could get a time table on WHEN. :)

*hugs you back*
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:35 pm (UTC)
It freaking sucks, right?

*sisters in solidarity fist bump*
Jun. 14th, 2013 05:19 pm (UTC)
*offers you virtual hugs*
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:35 pm (UTC)
Jun. 14th, 2013 05:25 pm (UTC)
I have been in your position before, for different reasons, and I understand how lonely it is and how much it sucks. I wish I lived nearby and you could come over and sit on the porch and have a glass of wine with me. *big hugs*
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:36 pm (UTC)
You had me at glass of wine with you. :)

(The Walking Dead that we would talk!! And now Game of Thrones!!)

<3 Thank you.
Jun. 14th, 2013 05:28 pm (UTC)
I'm five hours away from you! I'd so go up there. If I had a car of my own. ^_^; We hardly know each other but that wouldn't stop me. =) Well the no car thing does stop me. Okay I'm gonna stop talking now and give you hugs!

Jun. 14th, 2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, you get an E for effort! And I will take those hugs, yes I will!
Jun. 14th, 2013 05:54 pm (UTC)
I'm really sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down and lonely lately and I wish there is something I could do to make you feel better. But I guess the only thing I can do is tell you that I think you are an excellent, soulful and imaginative writer and with your stories you have given me hours and hours of entertainment and joy.
And if you need something to do to forget all your troubles for a bit, I would like to recommend the movie "Weekend", in my opinion it's one of the best gay movies ever with a truly touching story, honest and real characters and outstanding acting.
I wish you all the best and I'm sending a big hug all across the ocean,
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:38 pm (UTC)
Aww, this is so lovely! Thank you very, very much. *hugs you back* And that's one I haven't watched yet, but have it on my Netflix queue. I'll have to see if it's still available and get on that! Thank you. <3
Jun. 14th, 2013 06:10 pm (UTC)
Oh geez...so someone you trusted blabbed to everyone. Wow I love that. So much.
I'm sure it was "out of concern". *rage*

Maybe you should come to New York and THE CLOISTERS. That's my answer to a lot of things though. Because plants.
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:41 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh, I was SO. ANGRY. (Because it was about my children, and I'm VERY private about their personal life/struggles.)

Deeeeeeeep breath in, sloooooooow exhale. <-- That's what just the THOUGHT of the Cloisters does for me, so thank you for that reminder. That was one of those "amazingly wonderful" days when I was there last. <3
... - kuzu_no_ha - Jun. 14th, 2013 09:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
Rena Pedersen
Jun. 14th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
No words. Just sending you a virtual pair of footie pajamas (they always make me feel better) and a Big Hug. The kind that lasts for a long time and nothing is said.
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:42 pm (UTC)
Oooh, both of those things sound like happy-making things to me, too. :) (Especially that second one; those are the very best sort of hugs, in my opinion.)

Jun. 14th, 2013 06:47 pm (UTC)
Been there. Being there now. All I can offer is a hope things improve.

And avocado fries sound awesome. 8 ]
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:42 pm (UTC)
And let me offer the same hope back to you, too. <3

(OMG, thinking about those has me perked up right now, NGL.) :D
Jun. 14th, 2013 06:53 pm (UTC)
I only know you through this and hdjm, but just from that it's clear that you are a funny, clever, talented and amazingly compassionate woman. Good friends are more there when times get tough for you, not less, and I hope that you run into some local folks who can give you the real friendship you so richly deserve. In the meantime, I send you a massive *hug* and I hope it helps to know that even complete strangers want to take you out to lunch and cheer you up because you are so awesome.
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:43 pm (UTC)

I will happily (and gratefully) take that hug, and thank you hugely for it. Seriously, this absolutely made me have a much needed grin on my face. <3
Jun. 14th, 2013 06:55 pm (UTC)
Ugh. People really freakin' suck sometimes. I'm sorry your friends are letting you down right now when you really need a trustworthy support system. You're having a pretty difficult time and have been for a while and people you trusted have let you down. If you didn't succumb to the stress of it at least once in a while, you wouldn't be human. But you are human. One of the better humans I've had the pleasure to encounter.

Screw the weaklings who can't handle being a friend to a friend in need. They suck.
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:45 pm (UTC)
That whole saying about "you find out who your friends are" is an apt (and unhappy) one. But boy, is it true.

*leans against your shoulder* Thank you for this, it really does make me feel better to hear from people that I'm not just going bananas or something. [I mean, I *am* bananas, but you get my point. :) ]
Jun. 14th, 2013 07:08 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry that things are so bad for you right now, honey. And I'm even more sorry that you don't have a support system close by. But you have one here, and most of us are just a phone call away. Don't ever be afraid to pick up and call, because we love you.

Lots and lots of hugs to you, sweetie. <333
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:45 pm (UTC)
*hugs you* OMG, I am catching up on LJ and seeing that you've been sick AND having to travel?! I hope you're in a good hotel with excellent concierge service, you poor dear. :(

Lots and lots of hugs and love to you, too. <3 <3 <3
Jun. 14th, 2013 07:53 pm (UTC)
Being lonely isn't a first world problem. Shit, none of your recent problems are.

You need a fangirl love weekend like woah bb.</p>

No joke.


Jun. 14th, 2013 09:46 pm (UTC)
It's getting to the point where I'm going to fly myself in and just appear on her doorstep and not let her take no for an answer.

(Which I would never do, because so rude, but I AM TEMPTED.)
... - stoney321 - Jun. 14th, 2013 09:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - flaming_muse - Jun. 14th, 2013 10:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jun. 14th, 2013 09:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:49 pm (UTC)
I think there needs to be a convention in my pool, man. Fangirls, music, cocktails... WHAT COULD GO WRONG!? I mean, that we couldn't raise enough bail money to fix?

One of my dearest friends is on the exact opposite end of the earth from here in DFW (Stupid globe being too huge) and it suuuuucks. Mostly because she's tried and tested in holding my hair. Hahaha.

Ugh, thank you for the cheering up. Some days I just need to remember that lots of us feel this way. (And that it goes away.)
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( 73 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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