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Today is not a good day. It's kind of a culmination of several bad days weeks months in a row. Feeling isolated and lonely and without options is just about the suckiest thing to suck, and all of my close girlfriends (the ones I don't have to explain myself to, don't have to filter myself to) live in other states. That makes me feel trapped like whoa. Random blah about whine whine people blahCollapse )

Everyone in the family is gone for the weekend, which should make me happy because hey! Quiet house to myself, that's a rarity! Except I have no desire to write (what I would normally do in this situation) because quite honestly, no one gives a shit about the stuff I'm writing (I can't even get trusted FAMILY MEMBERS to read some of the things I'm working on and tell me anything about it - even that it sucks. They just...won't read it.), which makes it very hard to care about it myself. Wah, wah, poor white girl with a roof over her head, I know. I make myself eyeroll, too, and this is not the journal you signed up for.

Pleh. It's just one of those "why bother? With anything?" sort of days, but I seem to be having them a LOT lately.

ION, I plan on making this for my dinner because no one will eat them before I get a chance to. If avocado fries can't cheer me up...


Maybe I should create an alter-ego and fight crime. Or turn tricks. Or turn tricks while fighting crime. It's good to be ambitious, I hear? =P

/insert OMG do I try gold star


( 73 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 14th, 2013 09:28 pm (UTC)
I love you. I know it's not what you need right now, but I'm always just a phone call away. ::hugs::
Jun. 14th, 2013 09:49 pm (UTC)
I love you, too, and honey, I'll take all the people telling me that that I can get. <3 (And those hugs, too.)

<3 <3 3
... - bdbdb - Jun. 14th, 2013 09:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 14th, 2013 10:18 pm (UTC)
*hugs you super tight*

I think of you so often, and wish you lived close so we could meet for huge delicious coffees or writing and gabbing sessions or venting-wine-tastings-parties-of-two (there would be lots of complaining about people that suck and sloshing only of the bad wines and many many delicious nibbles).

I completely understand how awful it is when people withdraw during tough times (and I get that some of it is self-protective for them, but owww), and that weird loneliness that can come from having close friends who happen to live way too far away. While it's a huge gift to have people who get us wherever they are, there is not really a substitute for having someone who can be there in fifteen minutes with wine and a sympathetic ear. So I think you're perfectly in your rights to feel blue and lonely, even if you have the necessities of life. Because everyone deserves joy, truly.

Gah, sometimes weekends alone seem just the thing, but other times they can really bring out all the bad thoughts. I think you should post as often as you like this weekend and we will all pull up a virtual chair and share your avocado fries (what! you offered, right? *shifty-eyes my way toward stealing a few*) and marathon things like Clueless and bake ridiculously rich brownies and give each other kickass hairdos and makeovers.

Seriously, though, even though none of us can be right there this weekend, we're here. It's not the same, but. I just know I and so many other folks would love to bring you any moments of fun and happiness we can muster while you're dealing with so many burdens. Because you're awesome and I love you tons.

Jun. 17th, 2013 03:35 pm (UTC)
(We've been emailing about happy things, but I wanted to tell you that when this came through my email, it made me feel SO HAPPY knowing I have such a great friend like you. <3)
Jun. 14th, 2013 10:42 pm (UTC)
Mate, I am sorry. I am all sad and shit because my cat's dead and I think writing up this bloody thesis is stealing what little sanity I had. But I love you. And I'm really proud of you.

It sounds as though a lot of the local women are existing in some massive evil-Stepford-bitchfest-horror, which is not acceptable or right, and that you're having a reaction of delayed exhaustion and depression to the, you know, high-octane hell you've lived through, which is totally acceptable and allowable.

I still cry laughing remembering eg wtf celebs and all that, and you are a fabulous, funny, and talented human being. How's the gardening show stuff going? You are also, while we're on the subject, seriously hot. And an awesome sister, mum and wife.

Meanwhile, come to England. I live in a LIVELY (some would say MILDLY DANGEROUS) bit of Oxford in a studio flat (it is a very nice studio flat but you would have to share my bed because there is not even a sofa) but there is A PUB across the road, and MANY INDIAN RESTAURANTS, and also Oxford is lovely and close to London.

Love you lots stoney xxx
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:37 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3 Oh, Sophie, I've been a horrible LJ person as of late (and FB, etc) and didn't see about your cat. I'm so, so sorry. My cats are so dear to me, so I can imagine how your heart must be aching. All the hugs and sympathy from me.

OMG, wtf celebs was so much fun, such ridiculous fun, and I met so many great friends such as yourself! I wish you could pop in and let me feed you. And trust that if I'm ever within shouting distance of you, I will DEFINITELY appear on your doorstep. <3
Jun. 15th, 2013 12:15 am (UTC)
I, for one, am not rolling my eyes. Just the small glimpse I've seen here of stuff that you've been dealing with over the last 8 months makes it clear that this isn't frivolous complaining. (Which would be okay, too. Frivolous complaining would be just fine.)

I am sorry people who are supposed to be real friends turned and ran rather than help you over this last year. That sucks. You deserve real local friends and better support.

Jun. 17th, 2013 03:38 pm (UTC)
(Sometimes I forget that frivolous complaining is allowed. But yes, it's not been that, it's been heavy and dreadful and I need to stop worrying about bothering people if I complain. Everyone can scroll, me.) :)

Many hugs to you for being a lovely and supportive person, by the way. <3
Jun. 15th, 2013 01:37 am (UTC)
Fuck, what is wrong with these people?!

*I* would go to lunch with you (in fact, I hope we have lunch/dinner/slumberparty time when I am in Austin).

Stupid gits.

Maybe this will give you a pick-me-up. Mah new jam, "Royals" by Lorde.

Jun. 17th, 2013 03:39 pm (UTC)
Eh, they don't want the bother. I get it, it's a lot of bother. (But yeah. It sucks when you've been there for someone's equally heavy drama and it's not returned.)

Jun. 15th, 2013 02:05 am (UTC)
Have totally been there and I understand what you mean. There's that part of you that feels bad for feeling bad (like you don't deserve to feel down or lonely sometimes), but mostly you just want a nice chat with someone you can blurt it all out to and know it won't go any further or come back at you sideways with some judgement attached.

Since that's pretty much what *everyone* wants at some point, I don't know why it's so hard to find friends like that - but damn if it isn't really hard to find people you can really trust.

I'll dedicate Monday's lunch to you and raise my glass of iced tea with a toast to 'spending time with real friends'. I like to eat lunch kinda' late so you can expect my good wishes to wing your way during the mid-afternoon. Cheers!
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:41 pm (UTC)
Yes, you've explained it perfectly the feeling, the guilt for feelings, etc. Bah.

I am tipping my cup of tea in your direction on this shared friend Monday lunch! (So great. Thank you for the sweet thoughts)
Jun. 15th, 2013 04:00 am (UTC)
You are loved
Folks back off from sutuations that make THEM feel awkward, w/o considering how that affects others- just a sucky fact of life. I only know you from LJ, but I am certain that you are a strong loving mother, a kickass writer of not just fanfic, but also gardening info and wow, some really great food porn. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, recognize that it is absolutely not a reflection on you, but just fear from the folks who know about your travails, and feel the love you have inspired in your own fans. I am proud to be your fan and would consider it an honor and a privilege to have a glass of vino and nosh on some of that original and creative panini w/ you. <3. XOXO
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:46 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3
Aww, thank you so much for the words of encouragement! I rolled in self pity for a bit, then got my butt out in the garden and did manual labor. That's always good for what ails you (unless you've become ill/injured from manual labor, in which case, you should stop. :D)

Thank you for this, sweetheart!!!
Jun. 15th, 2013 05:13 am (UTC)
Just a few things
1. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. People still have cocktail parties? Is that a Texas thing? Like Dallas, but without the shoulder pads and floofy 80s dresses? I thought those were a thing of the past like 60s hippie free love orgies and communes.

3. I was always under the impression that the thing to do when your friend is feeling blue is to show up with chocolate ice cream and a movie with pretty guys in it (be it Rom/Com, Comedy, Horror-comedy or whatever their fave genre is)

4. I LOVE your writing. Every bit of it that I have read, and I got here by reading Sparkledammerung and stuck around. Also I love Stallioncrest and hope that maybe someday there will be the possibility of seeing a webisode or two of that. And I love love love Trust Fall, you totally have Stiles down to a tee (is that how it's spelled, idk?) and it was awesomesause and got me through until season three started. And I hope some day the Oh My Heck book will get published b/c when it does I will have it pre-ordered or buy it the first day it is out.

5. A movie suggestion (it's available on Netflix instant watching thingie) Iron Sky. It's campy and good, and was funded by Kickstarter, and me and my husband both thought it was excellent. It might make you laugh a bit?

6. Also, HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:48 pm (UTC)
Re: Just a few things
2. OF COURSE! That people still have cocktail parties, not necessarily in Texas. Who doesn't love parties? Or cocktails?

4. Stallioncrest is being filmed (partially) tomorrow, in fact! I spent the weekend being productive instead of wallowing in woe. :)

I will TAKE those hugs most gratefully and offer you some in return! <3 <3 <3
Re: Just a few things - jaysons_lady - Jun. 19th, 2013 04:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 15th, 2013 05:59 am (UTC)
Everyone that I've been friends with here in my town has pretty much dropped me because of all the struggles with the family

Then they were not true friends to begin with. You are an amazingly strong woman, and an incredible writer and gardener. Fuck them.

If you didn't live so far from me, I'd take you out. If I'm ever in Texas, I'll let you know and I'll buy you lots and lots of wine.
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:51 pm (UTC)
You are right that they weren't true friends. Or I know a lot of selfish people. Those are not mutually exclusive from one another, I realize. ;)

Jun. 15th, 2013 11:55 am (UTC)
Stoney, you are super-awesome. Don't ever doubt that.

The sucky thing about the internet is the same thing as what is good about the internet: finding folks who are meant to be your friends but who live many hours away. :/

My suggestion: Download Skype, buy a bottle of wine and something really yummy to eat, and have a long face-to-face phone call over the computer. Maybe watch a couple of episodes of something fun while you're talking to each other over the computer (yay, technology!) It's not perfect, but at least it's a start.

::hugs you::

Jun. 17th, 2013 03:52 pm (UTC)
Some of my dearest friends of all time are from the internet, and yep, they're all over the world. STUPID GLOBE BEING TOO HUGE.

But then again, thank goodness for the internet so I don't have to wait for letters from pen pals. ;D
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:54 pm (UTC)
WE HAVE BEEN EMAILING. We have exciting plans. And yes, August fun sounds just like that: FUN.

Jun. 15th, 2013 04:07 pm (UTC)
Well. I want to come kick some ass, take some names.

One, OMG, their loss. I know a great deal of how much this sucketh. I' just got.....forgotten by people I thought I was friends with when I reinjured my back in 2005. I had a hard enough time finding people to connect with here. It was unseemly to be in so much pain, to admit it, need help. I had one "friend" left, one who thinks I should be able to treat bipolar type 2 depression with sunshine, puppies and pure thoughts. ANYWHO: fuck 'em.

Two: goddammit you're allowed to be sad, quit beating yourself up about it. :P

Three: Jeff is ready to mail me to TX. "She needs a slumber party."

Four: I'd read your grocery lists, baby. I bet they're HOT.

Five: we both send our love.
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:54 pm (UTC)
Aww, you and Jeff are the sweetest people on the planet. I could take an informal poll and find this to be true, if you needed confirmation from SCIENCE. :D

massive hugs and love to you both (and thank you for the cheering up! It helped a lot, actually.) <3
Jun. 15th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
That just sucks. If I lived close to you, I'd totally go to lunch/coffee/cocktails with you. :)

It's not a silver lining, but I guess it's good to learn who you can and can't trust, and who your real friends are. The downside is when none of those real friends are close enough to hang with.

Maybe you can do a Skype lunch/coffee/cocktail date with a friend who's further afield? It's not as good as a hug, but it's something. :)
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:56 pm (UTC)
There needs to be a FanGirl of Awesome convention where we all show up and drink fancy things and talk about all the geek/fannish stuff we love and go home with t-shirts and awesome memories of all of the faces attached to the names we've cared about for years.


Would that be awesome? *hugs hugs hugs*
... - artemiswinter - Jun. 25th, 2013 05:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 16th, 2013 01:47 am (UTC)
*hugs* To you (and don't feel obligated to reply!). Yes, you have a roof and food and money, etc, but problems are problems. You are allowed to be sad when you are sad. And that is a reason to be sad. I know how that feels, I kinda ended up with no friends to hang out with too. But mine's by choice, your friends bailing when you need them is crap. Methinks you should take a trip to NZ to see your girl soon. :)
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:56 pm (UTC)
I DEFINITELY WANT TO GO TO NZ SOON. Ugh, that would be so freaking awesome.

<3 and hugs to you for the shoulder chuck. (Thank you)
Jun. 16th, 2013 02:30 am (UTC)
As usual I'm a day late and a dollar short.
Anyhooo.. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I wish we lived closer.
I'd hug on you and we could drink many bottles of wine together.

*hugs you very tightly*
Jun. 17th, 2013 03:57 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3 Gurl, you know we would drink until we were stupid. And then would come out the 80s New Wave and dance moves, and our friendship would be SOLIDIFIED.
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( 73 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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