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WARNING: Unsettling content to follow.

I can't let this go. Help me, Flist.

I saw my son open a packaged Kit-Kat bar and he BIT ALL FOUR AT ONCE, SHOVING LIKE HALF IN HIS MOUTH.

What kind of monster have I raised??

Didn't snap off any. Didn't peel the layers. JUST BIT INTO ALL FOUR LIKE HE HAD THE RIGHT. Like there aren't rules about this. It's just really upsetting me.


*snerk*


In happier news, I was cleaning up an odd pile of mish-mash and found a letter from the BFF from our college days. Inside was a newspaper clipping that I will repeat verbatim here (extra commas and all). I would like to state that this was from a small town Utah paper and NOT FROM THE ONION. NOR IS IT A DEEP THOUGHT BY JACK HANDY.

"When I am really depressed, I don't cry- I get a fudge brownie. I don't care if something really bad happens in my life, as long as I have a nice, thick fudge brownie to eat. Sometimes, when I eat brownies, I think of my old house before it burned down, and the kitchen where my sister and I used to fight over who would get to use the phone first, and eat brownies with whipped cream and spray each other with whipped cream." -Kandra [last name redacted], 14

O_O Bless.

Comments

( 41 comments — Leave a comment )
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hazyjayne
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:05 pm (UTC)
Part of my KitKat eating ritual as a child was to take off the paper, then rub the foil until you could see the 'Roundtree' letters in their curly script through the foil...

Yes there are rules to this sort of thing
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:15 pm (UTC)
Well now I'll have to add that to the CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD rules!! :D
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... - stoney321 - Sep. 24th, 2013 11:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - gillo - Sep. 24th, 2013 11:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
ladyvyola
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:07 pm (UTC)
Well, at least he unwrapped it. We don't talk about the time my nephew started eating a fruit roll up without unrolling it.

It was still attached to the plastic wrapping.

At least he took it out of the foil?

He was at least 8 years old.

...yeah, I got nothing.
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:15 pm (UTC)
LOL!
maplelump
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:11 pm (UTC)
I cackled at the story about your son, I'm sorry, I was mentally preparing myself for some mass murder that happened in the local school or something. Then I read it, and let out a gwaffa of laugher bc it is something that we would take seriously, but the rest of the world is like, "dude, chill."

Bc they don't UNDERSTAND.
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:16 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, YOU FELL INTO MY TRAP. :D

BUT SERIOUSLY, ONLY A MONSTER WOULD EAT IT THAT WAY. There's no hope for him, no hope at all. ;)
enigmaticblues
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:20 pm (UTC)
At first I was seriously worried, and my heart was in my throat...and then I LOL'd. Really, though, what kind of a person DOES that? Everyone knows that you break them apart and eat them one at a time, to better savor the crispy, chocolatey goodness. :P

And, um, at least she has brownies? It's the little things in life...
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:30 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA, I'm a terrible, terrible person.

BUT STILL. HOW. HOW CAN YOU EAT A KIT-KAT BAR IN SUCH A WAY? I would feel like I had my pants on backwards and two different types of shoes on.

OMG, the brownies. WOW. So amazing.
a2zmom
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:29 pm (UTC)
Ah, children. You try your best to raise them right, but so often they refuse to believe that we know best.

That brownie story is ten kinds of adorable.
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:31 pm (UTC)
There's always that one cuckoo bird in the nest, right? WE HAVE FOUND MINE.

The brownie story...wow. It's so perfectly small town Utah. GOT A PROBLEM? HAVE DESSERT AND IGNORE IT.
... - a2zmom - Sep. 24th, 2013 11:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
gillo
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:36 pm (UTC)
You have FAILED, I tell you. Kit-Kats are to be eaten as part of a ritual, whatever Ev0l Nestlé say. Proper KitKats have foils which you have to cut between each ridge with a thumbnail.

It's all very sad. What are the younger generation coming to? What do they teach them in these schools?

Still, it seems the brownie eater did not derive an enormous amount from education either. Perhaps your son will one day see the light.
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:52 pm (UTC)
WE DO NOT WRAP THINGS THE SAME IN THE US. Having said that, CLEARLY MY CHILD HAS FAILED, BECAUSE EACH PIECE MUST BE SEPARATED! And then ridges are nommed off, then remaining side chocolate, then the layers must be addressed!

Why are these schools filling their heads with nonsense like math and reading when there are important LIFE SKILLS BEING IGNORED. Harumph!
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pyro_semi
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:37 pm (UTC)
I got really worried but then I started laughing. Honestly I eat my Kitkat that way when I'm really, really angry and just feel like taking it out on something.
stoney321
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:53 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, gotcha!

OMG, I am shaking and sobbing over the knowledge that you get so angry in life that you BREAK THE RULES OF CANDY BAR EATING. *holds you*
judetwee
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:45 pm (UTC)
He eats them the opposite way I do. I break each one off, eat off the ends and sides of the chocolate stuck on, and then pull off each layer of wafer and filling to eat one at a time...sometimes I lick the filling off beforehand, too.

Is that wrong? Do I need therapy to cure this? plz help

Sincerely,
Meticulously Methodical Masticator
bienegold
Sep. 24th, 2013 11:49 pm (UTC)
What are you doing is Right and Proper.
... - stoney321 - Sep. 24th, 2013 11:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Sep. 24th, 2013 11:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
flaming_muse
Sep. 25th, 2013 12:26 am (UTC)
THERE ARE BREAKS BETWEEN THE BARS FOR A REASON.

Wow. I knew kids could be animals, but this takes it to a whole new level...
stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 01:50 am (UTC)
I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Maybe his biological father's DNA is finally rearing its head. *sobs into hankie*

Clearly he needs to be thrown out onto the street to fend for himself.
lycomingst
Sep. 25th, 2013 01:21 am (UTC)
Surely the more important question is, why is he eating a KitKat when there are lovely, lovely caramel things in the world?
stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 01:51 am (UTC)
*SLOW CLAPS*

I mean, if I had my druthers, THE WORLD WOULD BE COATED IN CARAMEL.
entrenous88
Sep. 25th, 2013 02:10 am (UTC)
But but but but it doesn't taste as good if you don't snap the pieces off first! D:

Oh god, Kandra's life sounds filled with tragedy and sadness. Also, now I want a brownie.
stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 12:36 pm (UTC)
It tastes like CARDBOARD unless you eat it properly, yes! Snapping them into pieces is what releases the flavor!

Hopefully the memories evoked by your brownie's chocolatey goodness will not revolve around Baudelaire Orphan-esque tragedies.
brunettepet
Sep. 25th, 2013 02:42 am (UTC)
Isn't it the law that you have to break off each piece and eat it individually?

Kandra, I hope you're doing well somewhere in the world.
stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 12:37 pm (UTC)
YES. It is the LAW, and my son is a LAW-BREAKER.

Oh, sweet Kandra... I fear Big Pharma may have taken her out for her folksy-wisdom challenging their products.
zyrya
Sep. 25th, 2013 03:15 am (UTC)
I had to sit down; I feel faint.

1. Loosen the seal of the paper wrapping and neatly fold the paper back.
2. With a thumbnail, score the foil wrapping between the two bars. If there are more than two bars, only score the foil adjacent to the one you'll eat.
3. Gently (!) break off one piece, and rewrap the foil and paper over the remaining piece/s.
4. Nibble the jagged chocolate from the broken side.
5. Nibble the chocolate from the ends.

Then it's a bit free-form, whether I'm in the mood for licking more chcolate, or whether I'm ready for wafers, or if it's a hot day and most of the chocolate is already on me, or if a sibling is being tortured because they ate theirs in one bite like some feral beast.

If it's a TimTam, follow steps 4-5, then
6. Stick one end in a cup of coffee or glass of booze or cup of coffee with booze in it (I like Amaretto), and stick the other end in your mouth.
7. Suck, nibble, suck, nibble, gobble the last boozy, slightly soggy mouthful before it collapses into the event horizon.
stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 12:38 pm (UTC)
I read this nodding my head so hard I almost dislodged vertebrae. THIS IS PRECISELY HOW THEY SHOULD BE EATEN.

I'm just...so ashamed. So ashamed.
meridius
Sep. 25th, 2013 03:29 am (UTC)
OMG HE DID NOT?! I feel shame for you v_v*

Kit kats are to be SAVORED.I tried to eat all four at once and let me tell you, it did not taste the same.

Maybe he can't handle the four? Start with the little kit kats that come in the bag? There are only 2 sections. He can work his way through the bag and when he can safely and properly eat the two, he can try again at the four.

stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 12:39 pm (UTC)
I FEEL SHAME FOR ME, TOO!!

I mean, clearly I need to look into special schools and tutors, or something. How could I have gone so wrong as a mother?????
strtmyorange
Sep. 25th, 2013 03:31 pm (UTC)
You try to teach them right from wrong. You try to instill your values in them. But somewhere along the way the schools and their friends get a hold of them. You are not the one who has failed him. It sounds like your son was too weak to resist those horrible, liberal, brainwashing schools and peer pressure. My heart breaks for you! We're here for you, Stoney. I think military school may be your only option. I mean, WHO EATS LIKE THAT!!????!!! It's practically criminal!

I felt like I was reading a grammatically challenged Dostoevsky - "Notes From A Bake Shop". Poor Kandra.

Edited at 2013-09-25 03:32 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Sep. 25th, 2013 05:50 pm (UTC)
*hands to Jesus* Preach on, this is it exactly. MAYBE AN OUTDOOR BOUND PROGRAM IS IN ORDER.

(omg, lol at Dostoevsky!)
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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