Lighthearted, hopefully funny, PG rated, I give you:
Let Go and Let Joss
"No, you want room #213 down the hall. This is the Gay-Sex Addiction Support Group."
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce considers the information, begins to walk out of the room and mutters, "Meetings on Tuesdays. Check."
He rounds the corner and walks three doors down until he reaches 213. He opens the door and steps in. The meeting has already begun.
"Well, hello there! Are you in the right spot?"
"Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, I was told -"
"Hi there, Wesley! We've been waiting for you." The slight man that is leading the group motions with his head to an empty seat. Two large men step out of the corner and frisk him. "Sorry. Policy." The man looks over his clipboard. "It seems it's a necessity with you. Goodness." Page flipping. "Seems like you won't be without something to share tonight!"
Wesley hears a snide laugh from his left. He looks up, surveys this group he is being forced to join. It's Willow, but - not. She has black hair and the worst tatooes he's ever- Oh. Those are her veins.
"Did widdle Wesley not clip his nails one day? Did you fall over and trip someone? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I could take you-" Wesley begins choking, eyes bugging in his head.
"Miss Rosenberg. Miss Rosenberg! We've talked about using your powers in here. This is a safe place. A place where we can let down our walls and talk it out."
"This insolent black-haired one speaks to you. It appears the flea has no respect for the dog on which it feeds."
"Illyria. That was a very good observation. But last week we talked about using our 'feeling' words. Using words to attack each other is only going to hurt you in the end. All of that anger will build up inside of you-"
"When I ruled this world I would have fed you to my lower beings."
"Okay, I hear you're angry. Let's go with that."
"She's all crackly blue like my Spike when the bad bad men put a metal spider in his head." Drusilla, eyes closed and swaying in her chair, waves her hand near Illyria's arm, just out of reach.
Illyria crosses her arms in front of her chest. "I wish to sit somewhere else. It pleases me to take the chair occupied by Wesley."
"You can't keep me here. You can't make me stay here."
The leader of the group adjusts his eyeglasses, crosses his legs at the knee and regards the slight boy over them. "Connor, we've had this discussion every week. He Who Owns Us All has ordered that you five come here and work through your problems. How any of you made it this far is beyond me. Connor, we haven't heard from you in a very long time. Last session you spoke in..." he flips through his clipboard, "...let's see. We spoke about your father."
"He's not my father!"
"Well, kiddo, technically he is. None of us really knows how but that isn't the issue. You talked about how he was "evil." Now, let's go from that point. What about him is so 'evil?'"
"You're joking right? He's a serial killer! A filthy vampire!"
"Illyria, Connor has the floor. Go on. Vampire....?"
Connor hunches down into his chair, arms crossed, filthy bangs in his face, lip in a pout. "He's disgusting. I don't want to talk anymore."
"Alright. I'm proud of you for speaking up. Maybe next time. Wesley... We haven't heard from you. Why do you think you're here?"
"You can't seriously expect me to 'share my feelings' with this group."
The group leader takes a deep, sad breath. "Wesley, if you are here, there's a reason. Something inside of you is broken. I'm going to guess that it's been this way for a while. You look like a fella who is lonely. Wesley, 'Sharing is Caring.' Why don't you open up a bit and let us in?"
A moment's pause, Wesley shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and as he opens his mouth to begin the healing...
"Yeah. Daddy was sooo mean to you. Daddy made you act like a man. Daddy was embarassed when you tripped all over things. So big bad Wesley got a gun. A filthy... Cheating..." Evil!Willow begins to crackle with energy, her eyes moving to all black. "Disgusting FUCKING GU-"
She's knocked back into the wall. Illyria cocks her head to the left as if to sense if the girl will get up off the floor. "I believe Wesley was speaking. Wesley. As this worm says, 'Sharing is Caring.' I believe I care. I would like to explore this."
The group leader sits in stunned silence. After a few breaths, "Oh, well done! It would be best if you didn't resort to violence, but I'm so pleased with-"
"Enough. I wish to hear Wesley. Speak."
"Uh, could somebody get her off of me?"
The group turns to see Drusilla standing behind Connor, braiding his hair and sniffing behind his ears. "He smells of Daddy. Not wet back here. No, our Daddy is too tricksy for that. Mmmmmm."
Connor begins to blush. "He's not my father! You can't do... that... with your father!"
Drusilla begins to run her hands up and down Connor's body. "Mmm. I know, baby brother. Daddy gets what daddy wants." She pouts, hands shaking in front of her, "He stopped hurting me."
"Drusilla, you wanted him to hurt you? Your father?"
Wesley speaks up, "It isn't- HE isn't her father. He is her Sire. I want that clear so we don't delve into icest or something."
Connor shifts in his seat uncomfortably. Evil!Willow stands up, uses the back of her hand to daub at the blood on her lip, and regards Illyria with a grin. "Huh. You broke me. I didn't think I could be."
"Hey, I said that! That's mine!" Connor looks at everyone, then eases back into his chair. "I hate this place."
The door bursts open and Spike enters, leather duster swirling at his legs. "Is this the Gay Sex support group?"
"NO!" the group shouts in unison.
"Right. Have your little tea party. Hang on - Dru? I thought you were in South America?"
"Oh, Daddy knows. Daddy makes me come with a flick of his wrist and the tip-type on his box of letters."
"No, not that Daddy. Our All of Ours Daddy." Drusilla begins to rub her cheeks and grind her hips into the air.
"Right. Down the hall then?" And Spike leaves the room.
"Wesley. Your face is leaking. We will leave and explore this." Illyria cocks her head and looks deep into his eyes. " 'Sharing is Caring.' I will now 'Drop this zero,' " she looks to the group leader, "and 'get with a hero.' "
Connor looks at the group. "You're all a bunch of lunatics."
Drusilla, still behind the boy, is bouncing on her toes, working her hands up and under his thin t-shirt. "Mummy loves us. Daddy loves us. I want a party. I want you to be my present. Beautiful boy. Taste," hip grind, "so," hip grind, "good."
Connor looks up at her face. "Yeah, alright."
"I think we've made excellent progress today. Our time's up. We'll meet back here next week, same time? Okay then!"
I'm off to become drunker and watch Anchorman. Stay Classy!