Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Things that make you go ewwwww

Alert reader zyrya sent me a link for a terrificly horrible fic, and as a public service, I like to read bad(great!)fic and give you the "gist" of the crap, er genius. My personal favorite bad!fic writer has taken great pains to simply become ho-hum, so this was a welcome sight. Not to say my bad!fic writer hasn't given me a few gems lately...

Passages I have actually read today:

  • After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES. That is one bendy girl, or a very large stack of pillows the author failed to mention.

  • "Her scent was on his face, his lips and tongue THREATENING to ruin his hopes of enjoying his smokes and whiskey." You know... the vag gets a bad rap, but THREATENING to ruin smoke? Come on, man! Ever smelled a full and old ashtray?

  • "She missed the forbidden sweaty loving..." 'Cause if Buffy is one thing for sure, it's an up-tight WASP. Forbidden?? Does she practice Islam? Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.

  • When Buffy thinks of Spike, she closes her eyes, opens her mouth and lets her tongue out to moisten her lower lip. OMG, do this! You get bonus points if you made a "guuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" sound.

  • Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

  • </li>

And from PaganBaby... (no offense hon, but then... you didn't give us the same disclaimer, did you now?)

  • While being cornholed on the dinner table, Buffy gets *wait for it...* CLAM sauce in her hair. Spike notices (with distaste). After coitus, Buffy seductively lounges on the bed and goes about her business. With clam sauce matted in her hair.

  • Spike has a 12 inch cock (and he gained an inch only this month!) and likes to suck it himself. Which (of course) turns Buffy on. And he shoots ropey wads, almost gags, and she takes over because his "CREAMY PUDDING" [emphasis mine] is such a Haagen-Daaz treat.

  • Buffy is always frantically getting her clothes off and getting into position. Zoloft seems in order, after seeing the word at least five times in one chapter...

  • Buffy yips and barks when excited. Lassie from Porkys, anyone?

  • It's pleasurable when Spike's girth forces her "cuntlips" inward. No mention of chafing, pubic hairs being ripped out at their roots, dryness causing a sandpaper-esque sensation...

Phrases that cause me to gag whilst eating an apple and skimming through this fic, and thereby commanding that they be recorded in list form:

  • tree trunk cock

  • spewing cock

  • voluminous cream

  • overfilled pussy

  • mouth watered when she felt the cum running out of her

  • SHOVED the mushroomed head into

  • savored white hot GOO that just kept coming and coming

  • she wanted all of his jism

  • she swallowed and swallowed, almost gagging a few times when a particularly forceful blast hit the back of her throat

That was all in one paragraph. And emphasis mine. Shoved? Mmm. Baby, get the shoe horn. And axle grease. I want that drainage pipe wedged up my box so I can feel true joy. 12 inches?!? Did she surgically have her uterus and spleen and pancreas and the majority of her lower intestines removed to enable him to fit her "like a glove?" Does that make anyone else picture OJ jamming his hand into the shrunken leather of Exhibit A?

Imma go lie down now.

[ETA] because I forgot to turn my paper over. Yes, I take notes.

  • After deep YOGA BREATHING, Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers.

  • Spike has a horse cock. She likes to remind us of this fact. I think she's never seen a REAL horse cock, or she wouldn't be so cavalier with her word usage.

  • he "fires off salvos into her" And the rocket's red glare!/ The clam sauce in her hair/ Gave proof that this hack/ Writes bad!fic with no care...

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