Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Striking while the iron is hot. Or: Parody Fic Time!

Hola! Let's try this again... I'm going to be in and out (more out than in) so I'm going to start posting my Yinathon fic, the Annie: The Musical parody. Yin wanted Annie mocked gloriously with songs, and the dog, and everything, but it didn't want to be Spander, for which she has forgiven me. But Connor is better suited as an orphan, right? Wheee!! Keep in mind this prompt was given during the whole kerfuffle over Gunn/racism/incest-squick/and when everyone found out about Slag Heap. Let's have fun! If you're drinking or eating, consider this fair warning.

Title: Connie: The Musical!
Author: Like anyone else would waste their ti- Er, Stoney321
Rating: Grown-ups with Child-like maturity
Disclaimer: If Joss&Co wants to pay me for this and hire me for future projects? Awesome. 5 more minutes, mom...
Summary: You know what's funny? Childhood prostitution in Calcutta! You know, like that documentary! Wait. That's HORRIBLE. Hows about we plop various cast members of Angel and Buffy in here, make 'em all vampires, and see what happens? Okay!
Thanks: To the academy, to my lawyer, and to crazydiamondsue for chkin fer spelin airers.

WARNNING! Just in case you didn't read everything. This is a PARODY of an incestuous pair of vampires. So. Grody to the max. But funny! If you're broken inside like me. Horribleness in the guise of a loving father-son couple ahead, okay? Okay.

Connie: The Musical

Cast of Characters
Annie - Connor
Molly - Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Tessie - Fred "Winnie" Burkle
Pepper - Spike
Duffy - Lorne
Ms. Hannigan - Drunken Lilah Morgan
Grace Farrell - Harmony Kendall
Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks - Angel Morecocks
Punjab - Charles Gunn
Asp - Gavin

[Calcutta, Red-Light-District:5 AM.]
(Wesley, the youngest little Vampire Prostitute Orphan - VPO - is tossing and turning in his sleep on a filthy towel and sucking his thumb. ]

Wesley: Daddy! (Cries) Why don't you love meeeee? (Sobbing)

(Connie, the plucky little VPO Who Could, runs in to soothe Wesley.)

Connie: Shhh. Hush, now. Your father didn't love you because you were a whiner and a bit of a tool. Go back to sleep.

(The other VPOs, are stirring awake. Spike, the toughest of the group, sits up.)

Spike: Why don't you shut it! Fella's got to get his solid four hours of sleep if he's going to be buggering for a living during the other 20.

Wesley: Why don't you leave me alone, Spike? Your mother was a vamp. My mother was just a drunk. (Sobs) My dad just left me here. You're here because you're a slut!

Spike: So? Keeps me in blood and beer... (Rolls over, away from the others)

Lorne: (removing his gel-filled eye mask) Sorry, kids, have to agree with Slut Butt on this one. I've got a 9 AM sharp, and I mean sharp. Has a thing for Samurai swords. Does the wackiest thing with a pair of balls involving... Sorry. Off track. Wesley? Why don't you tell yourself a little nighty-nite tale about your mean ol' man coming in and finding redemption in your arms and let a fella get some shut eye, huh?

Wesley: Oh! (Clasps hands to his chest) Maybe one day my father will come here and I can show him how much I've changed... How much I care... How I've almost completely lost my gag reflex...

(Connie is staring out the window covered in barbed wire, a wistful look on his androgynous face)

Wesley: Connie? Is it true your parents were both vampires? I mean, vampires before you were born?

Connie: Yeah. Never knew my folks, though. Dropped me off here with only minutes to spare until daylight with a note: "Kids suck. Take him." Miss LaMorgan said he was handsome... and big.

(Winnie, the only biological girl in the VPOs, wakes up and starts fretting, which is what she does best.)

Winnie: Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! Connie, why don't you tell us a story about what you imagine your parents are like?

(Connie sits on the edge of Wesley's bed, takes him into his thin, hairless arms and begins to croon softly, trying to help everyone fall back to sleep.)

[Sung to "Maybe"]

Maybe far away
Or maybe real nearby
He may be pouring her O neg
She may be spit'n his eye

Maybe in a crypt
All hidden for their fun
She's straddlin' a victim
He's raping a nun

Betcha they're old
Betcha they're swift
Bet they give young girls
To be a swell gift

Betcha they're good
(Good as vamps can be)
Their one mistake:
Sold me to slavery

And maybe now it's time
And maybe when I work
He'll be here calling me "baby..."

Betcha he's gay
Betcha she knows
Maybe she'll make us-
Oh, God only knows!

Maybe he's strict
Spankin's all the time
Don't really care
If the red ass is mine!

So maybe now this prayer's
The last one of its kind...
Won't you please come fuck your "Baby..."

(VPOs join in softly:)

Lorne: Hey... That's sweet. Got me all teared up like when I heard that Liza died.

Wesley: Judy.

Lorne: Whatever. Now how about that shut eye, kittens?

(Stomping is heard up the stairs, along with muttered curses, and possibly the source of the stomping is stumbling into the wall. The door crashes open to reveal Miss LaMorgan, Madame of the Orphanage/Brothel for Wayward Vamps, hair askew, half in curlers, half matted with spunk and vomit, tattered lingerie falling off her voluptuous body. In one hand is an almost empty whiskey bottle.)

Miss LaMorgan: (speaking with difficulty and with one eye squeezed shut) Do I hear... wistfulness? What the hell are you doing up when you have to work in three-

Lorne: Four!

Miss LaMorgan: (turning to stare at Lorne) THREE hours. I guess you want to start working now, huh? Get up! Everybody up!

(Collective groan from everyone as they stagger to their unshod and dirty feet.)

Miss LaMorgan: And you can start by cleaning up your shit holes. I do have one bit of good news... There will be no hot rat blood today.

(Collective cheer from the VPOs)

Miss LaMorgan: Today there will be cold rat blood.

(Collective groan.)

Miss LaMorgan: What was that?

VPOs: (in unison) We fear you Miss LaMorgan.

(Winnie stealthily approaches their Madame. As she makes to pass her and begin her work, she grabs Miss LaMorgan's nipple and twists, eliciting a whistle from her keeper. Winnie laughs and runs off.)

Miss LaMorgan: (grimacing and rubbing the cool bottle of alcohol to her chest) They never miss...

(VPOs begin scrubbing their crotches with cleanser, moving in choreographed groups and singing to the tune of "It's a Hard Knock Life")

All: It's the hard cock life, for us!
It's the hard cock life, for us!

Connie: ‘Steada treatin'
VPOs: We turn tricks
Connie: ‘Steada kissin'
VPOs: We suck dicks!
All: It's the hard cock life!

All: Got no other skills, and so
Sucking cocks is what we know!

Connie: Got a rupee?
VPOs: Reach around!
Connie: Maybe twenty?
VPOs: We'll go downtown...
All: It's the hard cock life!

Connie: Don't it feel like they always leave a fist in?
Winnie: That's because you don't stretch yourself out right.
Lorne: Once a day, don't you want to throw the towel in?
Spike: Well, then what would you do to fill the night?

Connie: No one cares if your butt is sore and bleedy
No one cares if you're bushy or you shave
No one tries to even hug or call me sweetie...

All: With bodies piling up, you'd think it's a grave!

Owie bottom life!
Sucking perverts life!
Full of sorrow life!
No tomorrow life!

Wesley: Astro-glide we never get.
Connie: Astro-glide? What's that? - Use spit!
All: No one cares for undead tramps.
When you're prostituted vamps!

It's the hard cock life for us!
It's the hard cock life for us!
It's the hard cock life for us!
No one cares for undead vamps
When you're prostituted vamps!

It's the hard cock life...
It's the hard cock life...
The. Hard. Cock. LIIIIIIFE!!

(During the last stanza and the lovely high G that Wesley hits, Connie sneaks into the trash bin to attempt yet another break-out from the Brothel/Orphanage. He's successful. After hopping off the back of the garbage truck, Connie begins to wander the streets of Calcutta where he encounters a dog tied up, waiting to be slaughtered. Little does Connie know that the dog is magic. MAGIC!!)

Connie: (untying the poor pooch with black hair hanging in its face) There now. You're free. Dumb dog.

Dog: Hey! I'm right here!

Connie: You can talk?

Dog: Can you? Sheayuh.

Connie: (blinks) Mind if I call you Xandy?

Dog: Do you have to?

Connie: Would you prefer Xan-Man?

Xandy: Xandy it is!

Connie: Come on!

(Sung to the tune of "Sandy")
Dumb dog... Why are you following me?

Xandy: Are you- Did you not just ask me to?
I ain't gonna feed you...

Xandy: Riiiiiight.

(Xandy takes off. After all, he may be dumb, but he ain't stupid.)

Connie: (shoulders slumped) Why does everyone leave me?

Stranger: Not everyone wants to leave you.

Connie: (without turning around) Twenty rupees.

Stranger: You misunderstand. My name is Linwood. You'll have to come with me.

(Several men come out and grab Connie, tie him up, then toss him in the back of a van. They deposit him back at the Orphanage/Brothel where Miss LaMorgan is waiting, half naked and playing with a cheap string of pearls.)

Miss LaMorgan: Oh, thank you Mr. Linwood. However can I repay you?

Linwood: You're not getting a promotion. (He turns and leaves)

Miss LaMorgan: (turning on Connie) Get your ass in your room and get ready for your 10 o'clock!

(Connie stomps up the stairs and pulls out his elf shoes with the bells on the toes and a can of spray cheese. His 10 o'clock is a regular and has specific kinks. Meanwhile, Miss LaMorgan takes a few healthy swigs off her whiskey bottle. There is a knock at the front door. Having expected a John, she's surprised to find a Jane. Or rather, a well dressed and snooty looking woman.)

Harmony Kendall: (wrinkling her nose) Oh my god, I could smell you outside. (Gesturing at the now empty liquor bottle) Breakfast of Champions? I'm here on request from Mr. Morecocks. It's about a vampire prostitute orphan?

Miss LaMorgan: (nervously looking around, fingers her necklace) Now, I woulda killed him, but they won't let me. He just keeps sneaking around-

Harmony: What are you talking about?

Miss LaMorgan: Wait a minute. Who are you?

Harmony: Duh! I told you. Mr. Morecocks' assistant. I'm in charge of procurement. I need a VPO that makes house calls.

Miss LaMorgan: (brightens) Oh! The Mr. Morecocks? I see!! Well, we have lots of VPOs here! Ha ha, that's what we do! Now, let's see. What type are you looking for? British? Slut? (She snaps her fingers)

Spike: Oi!

Harmony: (stands - voice is a whisper) Blondie Bear?

Spike: (rolls his eyes, moves through the door) Piss off.

(Connie sneaks into the doorway behind Miss LaMorgan. He spies the nice looking woman and begins twirling his greasy locks in his fingers. Harmony begins describing what the boy looks like, while Miss LaMorgan rifles through her papers - filed according to kinks and needs.)

Harmony: Let's see... Androgynous... Luminescent skin... Huge package.

(Connie begins to grind into the doorframe, his face frozen in what could be pain or pleasure. His clothing is threadbare, and as such, Harmony can make out the indentations of the muscles in his backside. He's magnificent.)

Harmony: My... God. Uh, thin chest...

(Connie takes his cock out and begins to stroke it, knees bent, hair hanging down into his face, his pink tongue just poking out and wetting his lips, hips pumping forward, driving his cock into his tight fist. He turns his head. Harmony can see his half-lidded eyes peeking through his bangs, they close, and she would later swear that she heard a tiny moan escape his lips.)

Harmony: A fucking cock like a hose... Fuck. Me.

Miss LaMorgan: (looking up and looking angry). Really. I see. Well, I'll send Wesley right over.

(Connie shakes his head emphatically, mouthing his name. God... those full lips!)

Harmony: No! I mean, no, thank you. Mr. Morecocks wants someone with the name Connie. Goes along with the androgyny, you see.

(Miss LaMorgan slams the papers down on her desk and sprawls over them, fire shooting from her eyes.)

Miss LaMorgan: Look. You can have any VPO in this place EXCEPT Connie.

Harmony: Whatever! What's your deal?

Miss LaMorgan: That little punk has been nothing but trouble and he's looking to get punished, and I don't mean to punish him by sending him off into the lap of luxury!

(Harmony stands up and motions for Connie to come to her side.)

Harmony: Look, bitch. I'm taking the whore, okay? My boss can totally kick your ass, plus he has money and can eat you. So do whatever paper work you have to, but he's coming with me. (Vamps out) You got a problem with that?

Miss LaMorgan: (shaking, moving back into her seat) No.

Harmony: (back in human face, big perky smile) Good! See ya!

(Connie and Harmony walk outdoors)

Connie: Where you taking me?

Harmony: Only to like, the coolest guy ever. He's all dark and broody and sad and dresses cool. I am SO getting a raise after he looks at you.

Connie: What's his name?

Harmony: Angel Morecocks. He's a vampire. (Leans in conspiratorially) With a soul.

(Back to the inside where Miss LaMorgan pulls out a new bottle of whiskey, only to find one of her charges has urinated in it. They have been waiting outside her office and are cackling with glee. She stands, slams the door shut, which promptly ricochets and bangs into her face. She slumps back in her chair.)

[Sung to "Little Girls"]

Vampy hos
Vampy hos
Everywhere I turn...
I can see them.

Vampy hos
Vampy hos
Night and day
I eat, sleep and read them.

I'm a evil, wormy woman
With feelings
I'd like a raise and a cold beer
But I'll confess
My state of dress...
Makes my job choice very clear

Pointy bite
Out at night
Everything around me is
If I stake
Undead chests
Surely things won't be so damn campy?

Some women are out without Burkas
Some women don't take their men's "no's"
Lucky me
Lucky me
I am stuck inside with them:
Vampy hos

How I hate
Heavy drapes
No mirrors
And the lack of... crosses
I'd have left years ago
If it weren't for
My evil bosses

Someday I'll stab them with pencils
Someday I'll rip off their toes
Send Buffy
Send out Faith
Anything that fucking kills those
Vampy hos

Next chapter is here
Tags: angel, connor, fred, funny fic, parody fic, vk-connor fic, wesley

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