Second, here's the last chapter to the smash-hit musical, Connie! Tweaking my husband's words: it's like Matt Stone and Trey Parker wrote an ep of Angel. Whee!!
Connie: The Musical
Cast of Characters
Annie - Connor
Molly - Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Tessie - Fred "Winnie" Burkle
Pepper - Spike
Duffy - Lorne
Ms. Hannigan - Drunken Lilah Morgan
Grace Farrell - Harmony Kendall
Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks - Angel Morecocks
Punjab - Charles Gunn
Asp - Gavin
Rooster - Holtz
Lily St. Regis - Cordy Chase
[Setting: Back at the Morecocks Estate, there is a couple waiting in the foyer. Connie and Angel pull up in the limo.]
Angel: So... about this dad thing. You mentioned earlier that there's a broken piece to your ring, which is secreted away in your locket, and if you find that broken piece, you'll know who your father is, and then live happily ever after away from the horrible slums of Calcutta where you have been forced into sexual slavery for all of these years.
Connie: (stares, dumbfounded) Uh... yeah. I told you all of that.
(They both turn and face you - you all caught up?)
Angel: Well, there's something I want to tell y-
Harmony: Connie!! Your mom and dad are here!
(Connie brightens and races into the house, leaving Angel in mid-sentence.)
Angel: -ou. I'm your dad. I'm your father. I'm... Batman. (Sighs, follows after them)
(Inside the foyer are a poorly disguised Holster and Cordelia. Cordelia has a sparkly pink veil over her hair, while Holster is wearing a fake mustache. He twirls it for effect.)
Holster: Hello. My name is Johnny Nani. This is my wife, Lonnie.
Cordy: Yeah, I know. (Smirks and nods at the blonde secretary) I'm totally hot. (She steps back)
Holster: We heard that our son may be here. We spoke to the lovely woman at the Orphanage/Brothel for Wayward Vamps, and she said she had sent him here to... work.
Connie: Oh, my god! Are you really my parents? And is my name really Connie Nani? What the hell?
Holster: (pulls out the missing chunk of metal) I believe this should answer your question.
(Connie take the piece into his hands with reverence.)
Connie: I... I didn't think I'd ever find this. (He tugs his pants off, ignoring the gasps from Cordy and Harmony, and opens the locket. The piece fits onto the ring perfectly. The ring goes back into the locket. In his excitement, Connie forgets to pull up his pants.)
Holster: Son. (Holds his hands out)
Cordy: Baby! Give mama some sugar! (She pushes Holster out of the way and begins rubbing her body seductively up and down the boy's body.)
Holster: (gathering up the fallen pants) We'll be leaving now. (They hustle out the door quickly before anyone can become suspicious.)
Angel: What... What just happened?
Harmony: You just let a pretty boy with a horse cock out of your house, that's what. Too bad you didn't have that broken-off piece of ring, boss.
Angel: (still dumbfounded, reaches into his coat pocket) You mean THIS?
[Setting: outside the Morecock Estate. Holster, Cordy and Connie are climbing aboard their donkeys to make a break for the location of the ritual.]
Connie: (beaming beatifically) I can't believe it's you. I've... I've dreamed about my parents for so long. How you'd love me, despite being evil, how cool your... skin... isn't. Wait. I was told that my parents were vampires! How is it the two of you have warm bodies?
Miss LaMorgan: He never was the sharpest tack in the box.
Connie: Miss LaMorgan? What are you doing here? Hey! HELP!
(Holster slaps Connie upside the back of his head, knocking him out. They quickly bind his hands and feet, then tie him to the donkey.)
Holster: There. That should hold him until we can get to the place for the ritual. Are you ready to rule the world, my dear?
Cordy: As long as it isn't hard and stuff. I'm more a pretty princess with the ability to have what I want, not your "down in the muck" kind of royal, you know?
[Setting: The city streets. Our brave little VPOs are searching desperately for Mr. Angel Morecocks' estate so they can foil the plan of their mistress and her evil friends.]
Winnie: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! We've been walking for hours!
Wesley: Chin up, dear. We have to save Connie!
Spike: (imitating Wesley) "We have to save Connie!" I don't have to do a bloody thing. Oi! Tight pants! (He nods at an older gentleman driving by) Fancy a shag?
Man: Uh... Sure! How much?
Spike: How ‘bout a lift to the Morecocks Estate.
Man: (blinks) Is that a real place? Or am I horribly out of touch with the youth sex scene?
(The VPOs all laugh as they climb in. Spike spits into his hand, prepares his back entry and drapes himself over the steering wheel. Excited, the man takes his pants off, but before he can penetrate our favorite whorish vamp, Wesley reaches over the head rest and snaps the man's neck.)
Spike: Hey! Whatcha do that for?
Lorne: No offense, One Track, but we're kinda on a mission. You can get laid AFTER we save Connie, promise.
(Wesley tosses the body out into the street as Winnie climbs into the driver's seat and starts the engine.)
Winnie: Okay. Where to?
(They all hang their heads.)
[Setting: Morecocks Estate. Angel is sitting on the entry steps, slumped over, defeated.]
Angel: He's... But... I thought...
Harmony: You okay, boss?
Angel: All this time... I thought he was my son.
Harmony: (stares) Ewww! And why?
Angel: Because of this. (He opens his hand to reveal the missing piece)
Harmony: Where'd you get that?
Angel: You remember Darla, right? Somehow she was pregnant, she had the baby, then he was taken away from us right after he was born. We never did know who took him. But I got this in the mail a few years later, saying it was the key to finding my child in a brothel somewhere in Calcutta. I've held it close to my heart ever since.
Harmony: You don't have a heart.
Angel: Hey! What about all those puppies I've saved!
Harmony: (rolls her eyes) I mean: vampire. Hello! You have beef jerky, not a heart.
Angel: You know what I mean.
(The door slams open. Gunn and Gavin are dragging in a group of bedraggled orphan vamps by the napes of their necks.)
Gavin: Sorry for the intrusion, we know how you like to keep the help in the background, but we found these things loitering outside the gate.
Gunn: This one (shakes Wesley) says he has some information for you. And I tried telling him that you give at the office.
Winnie: (looking at the handsomeness that is the guard) Oh my goodness!
(Gunn gives her a sly grin and shakes Wesley again for good measure.)
Wesley: That's quite enough. Mr. Morecocks, I presume?
Angel: Yeah? Who's asking?
Wesley: (trying to straighten himself to full height and adjust his rags) Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, VPO. I'm acquainted with your son, Connie.
Angel: Connie? You know him? What do you know?
Wesley: Only that there are some very bad people coming here to try and take him away from you and use the ring he carries on his person to bring about an apocalypse. We have to stop them.
Angel: It's too late. They took him already.
Lorne: Well, are you just going to sit there and mope? You look all big and strong, like a cham-
Winnie: Don't say it!
Lorne: How's about you call up the calvary, or death squad, or whatever vamps that look like you do when they want to get their way? And (speaks to Gavin) how about a Sea Breeze? Easy on the sea, whoooole lotta breeze.
Gavin: (looks at Lorne with disdain, waits a beat) I'll be outside the door, Sir.
Angel: (to Wesley) Do you know where they're headed?
Wesley: (preens) I believe they will need someplace open, under the stars, away from the city wall to perform the act. Perhaps we can pull out some maps and pinpoint ten or eleven places, then divide up and -
Angel: I bet they are at the temple Belgachchhiya, Shri Calcutta Tirth. .
Wesley: Or we could just make a snap decision... How could you possibly know that?
Angel: It's called foreshadowing. Jeez.
(They all race to the door)
Angel: Gunn, you take the flying carpet (A/N: we're in India, people!) and search from the skies.
Winnie: I'll come with you! A second set of eyes looking is better than one, right?
Wesley: But... Winnie... Don't you want to come with us in the car? Hmmm? (Smiles, hopefully)
Winnie: (not taking her eyes off the gorgeous security guard) Noooo...
Angel: You coming or crying?
Wesley: (climbing into the car, trying to maintain a stiff upper lip) Ready.
[Setting: The Temple Belgachchhiya, Shri Calcutta Tirth. Holster has untied Connie from the donkey and is carrying the slight figure up the long flight of steps to the inner courtyard at the base of the tall spire. The women are following him.]
Holster: I'll need you two to light the candles while I penetrate the boy from behind. We have the alignment of the stars in our favor, and if everything goes according to plan, you should see a black fog form around his cock while my hand clutches it, then the fog will envelop the whole city, then the world.
Miss LaMorgan: And how is a black fog going to bring about a reign of evil for a millennia?
Holster: Fool. It's elementary: darkness = evil. Vampires and demons can roam freely, solar power stops working, everything dies. The world will be OURS!
LaMorgan: Yeah. Big empty world. Sounds great. Count me out.
(Holster backhands her, knocking her unconscious.)
Cordy: Enough with the hitting, already.
(Holster raises his hand)
Cordy: Huh. Don't even think about it. Plus, who else are you going to get to help you with this little thingy?
(Holster raises his hands to the sky, begins to pray, and his pants fall to the stones.)
[Setting: Interior of Morecocks' limo. The car is racing around corners, a squealing noise at each and every turn.]
Angel: (to Spike) Could you stop that?
Spike: (sitting back) Pfft.
[Setting: Calcutta's night sky, flying carpet, 5'x7'. Gunn is sitting behind our fair Winnie, arm around her waist to protect her. She is snuggled into his front, face aglow from the joy of seeing the sprawl and horror from so far below.]
Winnie: It's all so bleak and horrible in the filth. From up here, it's almost pretty. It's like... a whole new world!
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us noOr where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
(Winnie joins in)
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you....
[Setting: Temple grounds. Cordy is holding Connie's head in her lap, forcing his bottom into the air. Holster is standing behind the boy, finishing his prayer. Cordy is stifling a yawn behind her hand.]
Holster: Now! Now I will bring about the destruction of the world in one, swift stroke!
(They don't notice Connie stirring and waking. He clenches tight and blocks Holster's entrance with a *chink* noise.)
Connie: What the... You aren't going to Veronica Mars me, bitch!
Cordy: (Trying to hold his head still) If you'll just be still... He can fuck you, hold your knob with his ring, and make your ring do the evil glowy thing and destroy the world. God!
(Connie wrestles his hand free, fumbles his locket open, and takes the cursed ring out.)
Connie: You need this? You'll NEVER get it!!
(In Holster's surprise, he loosens his grip, allowing Connie the chance to escape. Connie races further in to the temple grounds and begins to climb up the elaborate carvings outside the steeple, ring trapped in his teeth.)
Holster: Son of a bitch! And I mean that literally! (He begins to climb up behind the boy.)
[Setting: Morecocks' limo, pulling up to a screeching halt at the base of the temple]
Angel: (to Spike) Enough with the screeching noises!
(Spike smirks to himself)
Lorne: What's that on the steeple? A bird? Spiderman?
Angel: Oh my god. It's Connie. And someone's climbing up after him!
(They race up the stairs, pass Miss LaMorgan's unconscious body, to where Cordy is sitting on the ground, filing her nails.)
Cordy: Connie got away. Holster is chasing them. Can I go now?
Spike: I'll drive you. (They leave)
Angel: (into his cell phone - he managed to make it work!) Gunn! GUNN! Do you hear me?
[Cut to Gunn on the Magic Carpet in mid song]
Gunn: (singing) Let me share this whole new world with- Yeah, boss? No sign of him, yet.
Angel: Maybe if you quit trying to get some play and looked DOWN. You're right over them! On the steeple?
Gunn: Yeah, yeah, I see him. (To Winnie) Hang on, honey. We're going to see what this rug can do.
(Gunn swoops around and around the tall obelisk, getting closer to Connie and Holster climbing up the side. Connie, with a tear-streaked face, is nearing the pinnacle.)
Connie: I just wanted a family. Mr. Morecocks will NEVER let you take me away from him! He's super possessive about his things!
Holster: (gaining on him, almost reaching his foot, but losing his footing, then scrambling back) Pah. Morecocks. He can't save you! The bastard IS your real family, and that didn't stop me from taking you tonight! I'll get you, I'll fuck you, and then I'll kill you! You won't live to see the morning!
Connie: Of course I won't live to see the morning! The morning will kill me! Vampire, remember? And even if you catch me, your plan won't work! (He has made it to the metal spire on the very top, wraps his legs around it for balance, and throws the ring down to the cobblestones hundreds of yards below.)
(He grabs the boy's ankle and tries to pull him off and down to the killing rocks below. Gunn, on his magic carpet, pulls alongside.)
Gunn: This is for you white people always keeping the Brother down! (He takes a book of philosophy out of his back pocket and whops Holster upside the head with it. Holster loses his grip, and plummets, screaming, to the ground below, where his neck and head are snapped off cleanly. Winnie takes Connie's hand and helps him aboard the carpet. A cheer rises up from the crowd below as the carpet sinks to the ground, emptying its cargo.)
Connie: (tentatively) Dad?
Angel: (nervously) I... I tried to tell you. I love you, son. Now come over here and kiss your father.
(The crowd excuses themselves, uncomfortable with the look the two males are giving each other. Angel takes the boy into his arms, hugs him tight, cheek rubbing back and forth on top of the boy's unruly hair. When Connie's hands steal around Angel's waist and dip underneath his pants, Harmony clears her throat.)
Harmony: Uh, boss? Not to interrupt, but kinda that, too... The sun will be up soon and I forgot to bring the dustpan. Shouldn't we head back to the house?
Angel: (pulling away) Yeah. Come on, kid. Let's get you home.
Connie: Home. I like the sound of that. You know what sound I like better?
Harmony: Enough! Let's GO.
(Angel sees a glint in the approaching dawn. He reaches down, and picks up the newly restored Claddagh ring.)
Angel: (under his no-breath) Happiness... Thousand years...
[Setting: Next night at the Morecocks Estate, an elaborate party is in full swing. Connie is standing at the French doors, looking out on the party and happy guests. Angel comes up behind him, hands on his son's thin shoulders.]
Angel: Why aren't you going out there? This party is for you - it's supposed to be a celebration.
Connie: I don't need parties. I don't need anything but you.
(Sings to "I Don't Need Anything But You")
Together at last!
Together for ever!
No more pederasts!
Holster's head was severed.
Angel: I don't need hookers now to fix my balls of blue...
Both: I don't need anything but you!
Angel: You've wrapped me around
That long slender finger.No more brooding now,
Unless you don't linger!
Connie: Unless like the bathtub time
When you came way too soon...
That's because of you!
Connie: Holster - he was plain awful!
Angel: You can say that again.
Connie: (stares at his dad)
Angel: But that's
Connie: Not now!
Both: That's then! The end!
Connie: I'm hung like a horse!
Angel: That's just how I like it.
Both: And nothing on earth
Will make us deny it!
Angel: And if tomorrow comes and finds your pop Shanshu'd...
Connie: I'll give your human ass its due!
Angel: I don't need anything
Both: I don't need anything but...
(Angel breaks song, gets on one knee, and opens a box he's pulled from his pocket.)
Angel: I want you to have this.
(Connie opens the box and sees his old ring, newly restored.)
Connie: But... This is supposed to bring about a reign of darkness and destruction for a thousand years!
Angel: Not... not if I'm wearing this. (He shows his hand, where the ring from Holster's dead hand was pried) How does a thousand years of happiness sound, kid?
Connie: (sings while fireworks light up the night sky) I don't need anything but you!
(A special firework goes off, spelling out "C-O-N-N-I-E." The guests load up on the free liquor, hoping to pass out before any more familial loving melts their brains.)
(Angel swoops Connie into his arms, cheeks pressed together and they laugh as the curtains close)