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First off, Happy birthday vic_amy_z and I hope it's porny and fun and filled with good times.

I had a wedding this weekend. Oh, not just any wedding, a Mormon wedding. Which means I wasn't allowed INTO the wedding in the temple because I'm filled with sin - and proud of it - so I was at the reception. I was pleasantly surprised by the food (as mentioned in yesterday's post) and that it didn't consists of a 10 footer from Blimpies and some soda cans in a cooler. I kid because I love. The bride (my favorite little cousin in ze VORLD - she who inspired - unwittingly - Wee!Spike) was absolutely stunning and sweet in her wedding gown. All of the neices and my girls had "bridesmaid" dresses and were as sweet as pie. Pecan pie, to be exact. Lemon yellow, sage green or burgundy. Floor length, tuille and satin, with satin sashes that draped to the floor. Pics to come as soon as they are developed. PRECIOUS. Have a great pic of me and my man, will post when that's ready, too. My hair was PERFECT. (Sue shout out!)

And now, I give you the most memorable weddings I have ever attended.

5. School friend Denise to Omero. She just graduated from HS the week before, no one knows about him. One of our friend's mother leans over to me and whispers: I give it 9 months. She won the pool. There shouldn't be a divorce pool at a wedding. I'm just saying...

4. Mine. With my mother in HER wedding dress. Because she's nothing but class. HA!! Granted, it was the dress from wedding number 4, so that shouldn't count, right? That's a classic in my family.

3. Cousin Julie to Chad. First off: Chad was 16, Julie was 15. What are YOU thinking? You'd be wrong. As we asked Julie about the whole "shotgun" element, she casually let us know that "Chad cain't gimme no babies. He got one of his nuts crushed gettin' poled in a fight." As my sis mentioned yesterday, small bandanas filled with pretzels and tied in a knot at the SIGN IN, in case writin' yore mark done made ya a mite peckish. The bride wore white Wranglers and a veil off her white cowboy hat.

2. My friend in college who married a girl from a large family. And annulled it two days later. You can always tell a Mormon bride from her mom since her mom is the one that's pregnant. The bride's parents wanted to get the whole family together the night of the wedding to discuss if the newlyweds should start making a baby that night. We'll just say the reception was tense. On board with eats: buttermints, a cooler with soda cans, rainbow jello salad. (A pyrex dish with all the jello colors layered.)

1. My cousin Katie married to Daryl. Her parents gave her a check for $25,000 for a wedding. Smart girl that she is (and a few months pregnant already - I have no room to talk on this issue, BTW) she booked an afternoon at (I kid you not) Weddin' World where a package costing $1750 got you:

  • CD boom box of "classy" music

  • rental of a wedding gown (which isn't a bad idea, since you only wear it once)

  • rental of two bridesmaid gowns (saving your friends' pocketbooks and the shame of taffeta)

  • four dishes of peanuts/Chex-Mix

  • Kool-Aid in a pretty Chinesque (read: plastic) punch bowl

  • folding chairs

  • screen to block out the cars up on hydraulics at the brake/muffler shop next door

  • screen to block out the 7-11 sign on the other side

  • a reverend on crutches, with OP clam diggers underneath her "formal" black robes.

Now, I'm not saying they MAKE the priest wear OP clam diggers, but since she was wearing them, I wonder. My smart cousin looked snottily at anyone who turned their nose up on Weddin' World and told them her bank account had over $23,000 in it. Clever.

Now, I'm just having fun here. For the record: Mr. Stoney and I took ourselves to the Justice of the Peace, had a quiet ceremony (with a LOVELY Judge officiating) and our parents. Went to a nice lunch afterwards, and done. Total cost: $300 with my nice, cream dress thrown in. Niiiice.

And I had 16 children under the age of 9 at my house. Holy God. Now, I don't want to say that these kids are naughty, whiney, and bratty, what I WANT to say is the vast majority are a bunch of shits. The oldest boy, 6, grabbed his sister, 4, and held her shoulders, HEAD BUTTED HER so hard, he almost knocked himself out. We'll just say that I'm not the favorite grown-up amongst these kids. I love my cousins, but they seem to think it's okay for kids to act this way because "they are just kids."

We had a big family BBQ this weekend at the newlyweds BEAUTIFUL apartment complex. Very chi-chi, VERY ADULT. And the parents are letting their kids scream, run in the street, run into the leasing office, throw food into the pool.... I was so stressed out. That kind of crap drives me nuts. Folks: you ain't in Utah. This is Dallas where children are expected to be little adults. Or at least have SOME manners. The older kids liked me because I didn't let the younger ones rule the roost. Feh. Teach your kids how to behave in public. My kids were shell-shocked when they got home. Emily (3) crawled into mom and dad's laps and just watched. Without speaking. Now, when a 3 year old looks on you with disdain... Something needs to change.

But I survived, and it was good to see family, and it was nice to have other people cook, and let the kids get worn out, and get dressed up (antique lace dress from the 20s, 4 inch Mary Janes. Woot!) And it's even better to sit in my quiet house and catch up on your happenings. Spam me! I don't wanna do my editing job today, so I'm ALLLLL YOURS!


( 55 comments — Leave a comment )
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May. 9th, 2005 10:57 am (UTC)
In response to item #5. Here is what took place at the wedding of daughter of my father's college roommate. In the reception line, the groom said very graciously to my father, "Mr. B, thank you so much for attending our joyful occasion with your family. Your love and support is very appreciated." My father replied, "Oh, it's not any big deal. We plan to come to all of Suzi's weddings." (name changed to protect the innocent.) BTW, Suzi was eighteen, and at 46 she has been married 4 or 5 times. I can't be right sure.

The children at this affair sound like my brother's children. Every time they visit me, they leave my apartment looking like about 150 Bandito biker gangsters came through.
May. 9th, 2005 11:16 am (UTC)
BWAH! Your wedding comment reminds me of the intro to a Van Halen video: pregnant Latina whining to her groom: It's my wedding day! I'm only going to have three or four of these in my life!

Grrr. And for the most part, you can't blame the kids (much) as they learned their behavior was okay from the PARENTS. Double grrr.
May. 9th, 2005 11:05 am (UTC)
My parents' wedding, or so I've heard:
On one side of the reception hall, Dad's family, the Baptists. Sitting in grim silence and glaring at the other half of the hall, where Mom's family (the Heathens- or worse, the CATHOLICS; to this particular bunch of Baptists, it's the same thing), are dancing, laughing, and filling their water glasses at the champagne fountain. Providing the entertainment: my dad's fraternity brothers in their bright red sports coats and white pants, gettin' jiggy wit' it with any female who'd give them the time of day.
I've been promised cash money by my Aunt Nancy if, when I get married, I elope to Vegas and don't put the family through the whole madness.
May. 9th, 2005 11:14 am (UTC)
Hee! somecandytalkin and I were both married in the Vegas at the same drive-up chapel, but she splurged for the Elvis impersonator/priest, and I, sadly, did not. This was husband number 1. There will be no other husband than Mr. Stoney. DOn't want to be mock worthy... (Well, more than I already am)

I will sing Connie or Lubed at your wedding. To really help the Baptists relax. Feel free to call me a Mormon, too. I'd allow it for you. HA!! They come after me with a pitchfork and torches.
May. 9th, 2005 11:07 am (UTC)
I haven't actually been to all that many weddings and certainly none as interesting as the ones you've been to! Hee!
May. 9th, 2005 11:12 am (UTC)
Oh, I LOVE weddings. When you love the couple (or half) it can be so great to see two people in lurve. Commitment ceremonies I would consider a wedding, too. Lovely, lovely.

But when they are bad? It's all I can do to hold in the cackle. (And as I have 169 FIRST cousins, let's just say I've had a lot of opportunity to witness the fun.)
... - desoto_hia873 - May. 9th, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 9th, 2005 11:15 am (UTC)
"You can always tell a Mormon bride from her mom since her mom is the one that's pregnant."

OMG, so funny. Great post. Give my love to little Emily, who must have been thinking, "Darn, these people are savages!"
May. 9th, 2005 11:17 am (UTC)
Oh, god, you made me so happy by picking up on the joke. (Told to me by my uber-Mormon cousin, so if they aren't offended...)

Emily has BLOSSOMED today with the being all alone. Mom, too. :-D
(Deleted comment)
May. 9th, 2005 11:19 am (UTC)
I know, right?? (About kids) Kids can have fun without resorting to HOOLIGANISM. ANd they were SHOCKED when I made them clean up after themselves. We're talking about walking five feet to the trashcan with their paper plate and napkin. *boggles*

Mari!! I have missed you my leetle lovely Latina flower of YUM!! The family was VERY COVETOUS of my daughter's headbands from you. She was so proud to say they came all the way from Guatemala.

(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - May. 9th, 2005 12:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 9th, 2005 11:26 am (UTC)
Big fancy as fuck southern wedding. Bride was young 40s first wedding and very politicity society, groom was a doctor same ageish 5th wedding (4 kids from 3 different mothers). The service was lovely. The reception was at a country club. At least one person in the band was friends with the groom. It was a May afternoon wedding, so people were dressy, business casual was the lowest thing allowed. Standard first bride & groom walk in song at first but then they switched it up. Second song? Just a Giggolo. Instrumental all the way through. Done up in weding music style. The singer finally sang on the last chorus.

I have never seen as many rich jaws drop so fast .
May. 9th, 2005 12:14 pm (UTC)
Ha! Better that than a "shotgun wedding" where the band chimes in with "Having my baby."

Favorite part of the movie Old School:
The band singing, Total Eclipse of the Heart and singing "I fucking need you more than evah!" Tears. On my face. Laughed so hard I thought I broke something inside.
May. 9th, 2005 11:32 am (UTC)
My husband and I got married in Hong Kong. We'd known our 2 witnesses for all of a month and a half. After the ceremony he went back to the office. I went back to our apartment, to pack our overnight bags. At the end of the day we went to Macao. We spent the weekend there furniture shopping.

The weirdest wedding I've been to, was my brother-in-law's. I hadn't met him or the bride, but I still had to be a bridesmaid, and help set up the hall.
May. 9th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
oooh-kay. Didn't know anyone and you had to wear the horrible dress AND work? *pets you*

Oh! I forgot my older sister's wedding where the groom had diarrhea and his mommy kept sneaking him Pedialyte. I love my BIL, but you shitting me?? Oh. Bad joke. Heh.
(Deleted comment)
May. 9th, 2005 12:17 pm (UTC)
I think it's that I have a talent for knowing weirdoes. Ha!

One thing you can count on with the Stonettes: they can hold their own. The oldest (The Boy) was good at telling the little ones to knock it off or they were going to get busted. Hee! He knows his mama, huh?
May. 9th, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
Oh man, I don't think I have anything interesting to spam! Except for that I have cramps, but it's helping that I'm now eating an Aero Bar (mint, in case you were wondering).

We were talking the other day about getting married in a bowling alley. Or a karaoke bar. It's going to have to be cheap, so we are shooting for memorable.
May. 9th, 2005 12:21 pm (UTC)
*punches your womb to make it QUIT*

Dude: JP, then kegger with a band. That sounds like the best wedding party EVAH. Wait: karaoke bar? That would be AWESOME!!!

*punches your womb AGAIN*
Stupid uterus. Quit it! *feeds you chocolate ice cream and yummy chips*
May. 9th, 2005 11:47 am (UTC)

that's really all i have to say.
May. 9th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
Nuh uh!! You have that great story about the wedding cake being in the shape of a woman and a Confederate Flag bikini!! Right? Am I confusing you and Sue again?

That's one of my most favorite things EVER.

Oh, and I'm working on a Faith and a Buffy CD list, per your previous comment. Because, duh! Soooo need to have one.
... - likeadeuce - May. 9th, 2005 12:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 9th, 2005 11:51 am (UTC)
The kids threw food in the pool? That is disgusting. And 16 of them? Jeez woman, you are brave. That sounds like Lord of the Flies in the making.

Weirdest wedding sight: walking into the ladies room of the club where the reception was being held, and finding the bride's father snorting lines with some of the guests (sans mother of the bride).

Funniest: half Baptist half Muslim wedding/reception. The Muslims were looking down on the Baptists for dressing so scantily, while the B's were scandalized by the M's dancing (the men hold hands during this) and yelling and staying up so late. At least no one was drinking.

My wedding: county clerk's office in the strip mall that I cruised as a high schooler. I was 20, he was 28. It lasted four months, but we didn't get the divorce finalized for ten years. One week before his daughter was born, to a woman he refused to marry. Fun fact: my ex is a drag queen, a very good one.

Oh, and please check this out. Especially the thread starting with Pet Lunatic's first comment. It is so funny, you will be crying. It's a fight over fan fiction at the Doctor Who community.
May. 9th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)
Hee!! I love your fun fact. Asides are usually worth the comment in GOLD. As to coke-fest with Big Dad, wow. How sad and awkward.

THEY THREW THEIR CAKE AND ICE CREAM PLATES IN THE POOL. So, soggy bits because they don't know to either a) finish their food or b) not get so damn much food to be wasted. Bleh.
May. 9th, 2005 12:51 pm (UTC)
I was laughing so hard, I was crying. You sure have been to some interesting weddings. Mine was so BORING. Just the way I liked it. No one did anything stupid or got drunk (of course, we couldn't afford lots of liquor, so good thing).

The last wedding I went to was so BORING too. It was for a friend's second marriage (first wife died). My oldest is best friends with his oldest. Well, to put it short and sweet, they invited other kids, but not mine. Wha?! Considering mine are well-behaved, it was kinda weird. I have this friend's kid over ALL the time, supported him in babysitting like a million times, and he doesn't invite his son's best friend. They were 10, 11 years old, for goodness sake. They made the poor kid dance with his new sister. He HATED it. She's kind of a bitch anyway (same age as my son's BF). I think they thought that my son's BF would have too much fun or something. Everyone kept asking me where my son was. Especially since my hubby was the BEST MAN. Luckily, my son had a great time at home with the sitter. And it was 100 degrees outside in the shade. BORING wedding!

I wanna go to a wedding that's fun. Oh well. We'll just have to read about all the ones you go to.
May. 9th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
Oh, boring weddings are GREAT. My wedding to Mr. Stoney was boring and LUFFLY. WOuldn't have had it any other way.

(And I would have been so hurt to have my son excluded from his BF's family wedding. And there having been OTHER kids there. Harumph.)
May. 9th, 2005 12:52 pm (UTC)
Oh man, I adore wedding stories, with my dad being a minister and me videotaping them, I have a lot of them as well.

1) The bucolic wedding in a sheep pasture where my father was waiting for the happy couple to walk through the meadow and onto the oriental rug where he and a mandolin player were waiting. The mandolin play started strumming, and suddenly the entire flock of sheep came charging over the hill straight at them. My father ran for a tree and climbed it, robes and all.

2) The bride who picked bridesmaid's dresses with Morticia Addams' narrow skirts. They had to mince down a very long aisle. It was hysterial.

3) The bride who my dad was marrying very firmly, 'cause he thought she was flighty, passed out during the benediction and knocked my father on his fanny. They drug her to the cloakroom (photographer taking pictures of her lolling head all the way) and she was overheard to say, "Is it too late?"

4) The very hot South Carolina wedding in October where the family was so chi-chi and anal that there was a seating arrangement inside the chapel. This meant it took forever to get everyone seated and we were all sweating under the lights put up for the video.

There were three ministers - my father, the minister of the Espiscopal church were we were, and a family friend who was an evangelical wingnut. The Evangelical decided that the entire congregation needed to be saved and started with Genesis and was working her way forward. One by one, wedding attendants began passing out, as they had partaken of much liquor the night before. A bridemaid, a groomsman, and then another bridesmaid, who took a 5' tall flower arrangement on a pedestal with her when she went. She was out so cold that she was drug out, feet dragging, by a member of the congregation. Her hoop-skirt got caught in the door and we discovered she was wearing matching panties with her dress.

The family never speaks of this wedding. Ever. Everyone else howls with a laughter about it.

4) A cousin of this bride was best man at his brother's wedding and his five year old daughter was the ring bearer. During one of the prayers there was a little whisper-whisper-whisper. Pause. "But Daddy, I have to go now!!" Another brief pause. "Well son," my dad said, "that's a request that has to be obeyed. We'll wait 'til you get back."

So he riffed and told funny stories about the couple and their families for about five mintues. It was pretty cool.

5) At my sister's wedding, my father was so emotional and rattled that he said to my sister, "Do you promise to be a loving and faithful husband?" And she said, "I do." That's all the vows she had to take.
May. 9th, 2005 12:59 pm (UTC)
THREE ministers? Dude.
I... I think I'm more in love with you now than I ever was before. HA HA!! I love your dad vs. sheep. Oh, man that is awesome!

I will say that my sister's wedding: she was GORGEOUS. My younger sister sang (she has a voice to make angels weep) a song that my father wrote just for the wedding, and I had a sexy and pretty black evening gown that I wore as her bridesmaid.

But. Her husband was sick and his mom wanted to treat him like a three year old. We don't speak about it. Hee!
Re: Bwahhahahahahaha! - stoney321 - May. 9th, 2005 01:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Bwahhahahahahaha! - beadattitude - May. 9th, 2005 01:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 9th, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC)
Let's see: how about the first marriage of my cousin Jamie, younger sibling of the cousin up the hill (Mike, for the record) to Tea.

Catholic church, two months prenuptual counselling and somehow it never came out that the reason they were getting married was that Tea threatened to kill herself if they didn't. Mike offered his brother $1000 cash and a pickup full of gasoline, in the church parking lot, to take off for Montana.

That one lasted about 18 months...

Julia, she was not my favorite cousin by marriage
May. 10th, 2005 05:43 am (UTC)
Man, if someone offered me that deal with my first husband? I think I woulda taken it. But then, I wouldn't have ended up with Number 2, and she's pretty great.

I'll have to do the math on my mom's average length of marriage... Number 5 looks like it may end soon. She has an 18 month grace period between weddings, generally.

Stoney, wry and dry
(Deleted comment)
May. 10th, 2005 05:44 am (UTC)
AHH!! Yours are GREAT! Oh, I bet #1's groom was BESIDE himself. And the name change? That's AWESOME! Uh, from a spectator POV. Ha!

"And he looks just like him." Heeeee!
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( 55 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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