Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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See Stoney Spam. Spam, Stoney, Spam!

I'm all energetic and spazzy today, and got to thinking about PSAs in fic. And how I *HATE* that. You know, you're reading a pretty decent story, then all of a sudden, the writer decides to make sure you know our make-believe vampires practice safe-sex. Or, like my bad!fic from yesterday, give you blow by blow details about an abortion and that is just PERFECT for a Buffy story.

As elcazavampiros once said, if a vampire can fall from a 30 story building, get up, and run away, he's not needing the ease of lube. Seriously. Just tell your frickin' story, without jolting me out. Unless the act of lubing up (or WHATEVER) is hot. Or fits.

And this got me to thinking about PSAs in the first place. How they are now punishments for celebrities with DUIs. And that cracks me up. So, what if we cast some real PSAs with Joss' characters who are bad? (For those not familiar with the concept, PSAs are Public Service Announcements. You'll catch on.)

PSA #1: A Parent's Example
Angel stands in the doorway, a cold shiver washes down his spine. His feet are like lead. His son is crouched over a slumping form, a form Angel is all too familiar with: the dead body of a young girl. Connor hears a noise behind him and turns, revealing the splatters of blood on his face, his shirt, his hands. Angel blinks then crosses the room, grabs his son and begins to drag him away and out.

"Connor! What- How could- Where did you learn to do this?"

Connor squinches up his face with rage, hurt, and teen angst and sputters, "From you!! I learned it from you!"

Parents, be careful of the example you set for your children. They are watching you. As well as millions of viewers, I might add. If you kill virgins and nuns, don't be surprised if your children follow in your footsteps.

PSA #2: A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
"Janice is so lame. She totally stopped skipping school with me because her study hall teacher found out and she's all scared of Mr. Turner telling her mom. Whatever. I so don't care about Buffy finding out. What? Like she has any room to complain. She totally skipped school, like, all the time."

"Dawn, that's because she was out saving the world. Are you saving the world? More like getting your kicks."

"Please. Like you even care if I get an education? Hey. You didn't finish that story from last night. About the Italian soccer team? I bet they were hot."

"Well, I wouldn't know about that -" (eyeroll) "- although Dru wanted to turn a few. I suspect she fancied them and their powerful, lean legs."


"What? Vampire. I prefer a healthy body over some fat sot. Taste better. Now, what I really liked to sink my teeth into was the smart ones. Rip off their heads, split their skull, feast on some nice grey matter. 'Feasting on knowledge.' Did pretty well with my schooling, now that I think of it. Dru, though... She just liked the pretty ones. The young ones. Never did split their skulls. Tried to tell her... That's like getting a fine bottle of wine and dumping it all over the ground. Terrible waste."

"Spike? Are you trying to teach my sister that a mind is a terrible thing to waste in the most disgusting manner EVER? Dawn? Get your butt in school, or you'll-"

"Find out what Slayer strength really is, yeah, yeah. I'm going, jeez."

"Okay, she's gone. Get your pants off."

PSA #3: The More You Know...
Hi. I'm Darla. You might recognize me from such slaughters as the Bloody Massacre at the House of Bath in 1743, or from the Boxer Rebellion, where I feasted on an entire orphange. Needy kids, just like these here. (Darla sits down, pulls one of the children into her lap, strokes its hair)

There are hundreds of thousands of these kids all over the world. Children without parents, without homes, without hope. Most of these children will die. They starve, they are abducted, or (shrugs) just go missing. All they need is a place to call home with a family to love them. You can help. Contact your local adoption center if you are interested in helping these children live another day.

And remember: The more you know... (snaps the childs neck, vamps out) The more you don't care.

PSA #4: Be a Blood Donor
(We see a handsome, dark-haired man walking along a dark street, an ambulance's lights flickering in the dark. Xander walks towards the camera)

Did you know that every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood? Our nation's stores are almost depleted. If you are healthy, disease free, you could be a donor. All it takes is a few minutes of your day, but those minutes and that gift could save a life.

Be a donor. One day, it could be you who needs blood one day.

(Spike looks up, vamped out, blood bags pilfered from the ambulance in his fists, blood dripping down his face) Too right, mate. More blood 's what's needed. Looks like today is my day. Tell 'em, Percy.

Spike? Could we not do this? HEY!

PSA #5; Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires
The flames flicker, dancing on the backs of the giant trees. Furry little puppies scamper, their coats singed. The hart wants to save its baby, but it flees before the roaring, roaring, ROARING of the flames. Snap, crackle, POP!

It's beautiful.

Spike? I'm hungry again. Can I eat the cameraman now? He looks awful tasty. Like a plump, roasted pig.

PSA #6: Be a Mentor
So, what? Go now? Hey. I'm Faith. So like, there are kids who are all jacked up because they don't have anyone cracking skulls at home, you know? And some of them are weak and can't figure some shit out. And, uh, you should look into helping some of these punks so I don't have to go behind them and save their dumb asses because no grownup gave them the sense to not wander the streets at night. God. IDIOTS.

Some people just shouldn't breed, you know? Oh, right. Yeah, call your local chapter of "Big Brother" or "Big Sister," or whatever the hell they are called and help one of these kids not be so goddamned stupid. WHAT? I said what you wanted me to say, god.

Pffft. I'm audi.

PSA#7: Reading is Fundamental

Oh, hello! Rupert Giles, resident librarian at Sunnydale High School. For so many of us, reading is a way for us to escape the rigors of life, or to open and expand our minds to the world unknown.

(Sound of sucking in air and giggling)

As I was saying, books, and losing oneself in them, can bring such pleasure to a person's life. But there are children who haven't been taught to read. Yes, appalling, I know.

(A giggling voice affecting a British accent) Yes. Rather. Indubitably.

(A bit louder) Reading is fundamental. Teach a child to read, and you may very well save their life.

(a *pffft* can be heard) Buffy? You were given every opportuntity and you turned it down. Now hush up.

Giles? Honey? That was me. You kids want to go check out the Magic Box?


More, continued h e r e
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