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Is this thing on? Heh-hello?

Man, nothing, but NOTHING feels better than slipping into your own bed after a week away from it. I cannot stress enough that you should bite the bullet and splurge on good sheets. Silky, cool, luxurious sheets. Mmmm. My many pillows... The hotel mattresses were lovely, but it wasn't MY bed. Slept long and hard, then lazed about this morning hiding from all the tasks I have to do today.

And no, that apparently isn't the hip new slang the kids today are talking. Our big Main-coon cat is FUCKING DISGUSTING right now. So, so big. Cannot groom himself, and as such is sporting a Bob Marley hairdo. Mr. S is fighting him in the laundry room with a pair of clippers. Yikes. *plays tap for Mr. S's flesh* I hired the Stalker Neighbors next door to care for the ani-mules while we were away (She does it for a side job - it's almost ALL she talks about) so I thought, you know, she'd be good.

Came home to a FULL cat box, hungry kitties, counted Cancer Kitties pills and saw that he didn't get his meds (GRRRR!!!! Seriously - Cancer Kitty. Come on. He's the best cat ever.) and saw my fishies tank was GREEN. I was gone for 7 days. What the hell? It's a frickin' beta - about as low maintenance as you can get. Poor little Dorrie. (My kids aren't original with names, no.) Cleaned tanks, boxes, floors, checked the level of alcohol (at this point, I'm cynical) and grumbled.

For the record: Darth Widow? STILL ALIVE. And has a seriously intricate web that hypnotizes me and begs me to come closer- AHHH! I threw a Katydid in there last night and it was AWE inspiring. The Sith continue to be lightening swift and evil in their power. Heh.

We apparently left Flaaaarida in time to avoid the MASSIVE HURRICANE approaching. Whew. We had a fantastic time, I'm tan, tan, tan, and I have to give a little shoutout to my new bathing suit this season. I'm a string bikini girl from waaaay back, and then that third kid came, and dashed my hopes of continuing that. And I am NOT a halter top bathing suit girl. *shudders* Those only look good on girls with B-cups or less, truly. Otherwise your tits look GINORMOUS. And not in that good way. Bra style tops, yes. Support and sexy, who could ask for more? Now. WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? I searched for a week and couldn't find any. I waited until I got to Flaaaaarida. Found two without padding. Glory be! Matched it up with surfer girl shorts? THE MOST PERFECT BATHING SUIT EVER. Trouble areas covered. No more hungry-butt when you stand up and walk. (You know what I'm talking about. Like your butt is eating your bathing suit.) I felt so sassy and cute in my little hibiscus print boardshorts and coordinating bikini top. Wheee! NO worry about inner/outer thigh jiggles because it's COVERED UP.

That was incredibly fascinating, yes? *snorts*

Today I have a laundry list of tasks not limited to swabbing ointment onto the gashes on my husband's body (remember? He's shaving the 22 pound bobcat Monster Cat right now? The caterwauling is making my hair stand on end), washing bloody rags (from the gore and mahem left over from the Shave-athon), filling my house back up with food, drink and snacks for the hungry world at large, and OMG pruning. North Texas turned into the rainforest while I was away and I have all manner of wildlife and undergrowth taking over.

Oh, yeah, I also need to type up all of the porn I wrote while I was gone. Here's something for the regulars around here: I've been told this week that I'm the following:
*vanilla (you'll get no arguments here, except, that's a fucking LIE - I'm a total perv) Hee!
*weird (someone stumbled across Lubed: The Musical!) Heh. Good thing they didn't find Gone Went My Mind or Connie: The Musical! - good thing they EMAILED ME to tell me I'm weird. But - they did laugh.)
*SO wrong (someone clicked and read the Ewan/Hayden RPS and shook a finger at me. Uh... YOU are the one that clicked - and read - the RPS, honey. And it was GOOD RPS, if I do say so myself. Which I just did. Remind me WHY I feel compelled to post my stuff at AFF.net? Yeah, I don't know why, either.

This is coming off whiney, and I'm super happy and bouncy and energetic today (also because I weighed myself and only gained 2 pounds - All that fried food? All that drink? Let's hear it for ocean-swimming.) and there is a mini-series beginning tonight that I'm jazzed about: Into The West. Wheee!! TV is fun. I've missed it. To get you in the spirit of the wild, wild West, I'll leave you with a link to another craptastic story of mine wherein Spike, Angel and Buffy are actually Native American Indians - of the Hollywood stereotype variety and love and humor ensue - titles Princess Ninety Wampum (Squaw always under Buck).

*kisses you all*

Have a great day!! (psst to anelith: I'm heading to the bookstore later - I'll let you know how I fare!)


( 57 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 10th, 2005 09:03 am (UTC)
Welcome back!
Glad to see that you had a lovely vacation. But you're right : nothing's better than your own bed!

kisses to you too.
Jun. 10th, 2005 09:13 am (UTC)
*kisses you all over - FRENCH style*

Hee!! I read that you were off to the beach, too? Have a lovely, lovely time, wear sunscreen, splash in the waves, relax as the sun warms your skin!

(And be sure your bed is made before you leave so you can slip into cool sheets the moment you get home!)

*kisses and hugs*
Jun. 10th, 2005 09:21 am (UTC)
Ok, for one, your Ewan/Hayden was so so RIGHT. And ok, you are not vanilla. I thought maybe Hayden was vanilla, but I'm starting to think I was very WRONG about that, since I am getting the hint that Hayden likes to TEASE very much in interviews. Or, you know, my "vanilla in a really kinky way" kind of vanilla theory.
My point is -- I am liking your funny posts. But I wouldn't mind more porny RPS love if you have the hankering to write! Thanx!
Jun. 10th, 2005 09:36 am (UTC)
Hee!! you know I'm having fun with you about the whole "vanilla" thing, right? Because I really, really am. Especially when you compare my stuff to the rest of the intarwebnets. I am homestyle vanilla alllll the way.

As to the RPS, I don't write it regularly, but have some ideas. In case you feel the need to bail on me, I usually post stuff like this post and the fic is secondary. No harm, no foul if you only pop in randomly. And if you haven't joined jedi_news' reading list, you should: the cull the good stuff into daily posts so you can avoid slogging through crap to get the good fic/art/etc.

*smooshes you with a tight hug*
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Jun. 10th, 2005 09:47 am (UTC)
Seriously: Cancer Kitty is the best, Jerry! THE BEST! Not to give him the pills? The pills of LIFE? He was waiting by the door when we pulled up (all four kitties did) and jumped to the counter, climbed on my shoulder, and gave me face rubs and purrs. AHHHH!! And kept on even after I forced his pill down his tightened thraot (from lack of regularly scheduled pills- grr!)

I'm running to the store for more film. Scrappy has been given the Lion Cut. Ha ha ha!!! But he feels soooooo soft. And looks HYSTERICAL.

Man, it seems like LJ was a bit of a ghost town while I was away! Which, on one hand is a good thing, but on the other of needing new things to read about is a bad thing.

But I have books! I remember books!!

Where you going tonight? We drove back to the resort we stayed at the years before for our last dinner and had AWESOME surf-n-turf (him) and blue crab cakes (me) and I taught the bartender how to make Mojitos last year and they made them for me this year! Mmmm. Minty goodness.

Oh. Where you going for dinner? Or is it another plan? WHATUP!

(God has smiled upon you... this day. The fate of our nation in your haaaaaands! And blessed be the child - for all our bravery - till only the righteous stand! You see the distant flames! They bellow in the night! You fight for all our names, and what you know is right! And when you all get shot and cannot carry on, though you die - La Resistance lives on! You may get stabbed in the head, with a dagger or sword....)
Jun. 10th, 2005 09:53 am (UTC)
Hey, Book-girl
Before you head out to Destin again, remind me to ask my beta (mcamason about bookstores there. Of course his mom is a librarian in tat neighborhood, so she'd know too; she's also the Dragon who drew the spiftastic pencil drawing of JM at his official website.

Julia, you really do need to plan ahead for these crises. I can only tell you where to get a book fix on the Olympic Peninsula myself.
Jun. 10th, 2005 10:20 am (UTC)
Re: Hey, Book-girl
Yes, book stores there, please! Found a Barnes&Noble on our way out of town - but if it isn't the latest, they don't usually carry it. And here I thought I brought enough to read: A MASSIVE tome of political essays, a Best Of from McSweeny's, a book on the decay of Enron, and a terrific book of essays from Sarah Vowell, Take the Cannoli. I found a "Books A Million" and succumed to the lure of the fifth Gungslinger series (I am a huge, dorky fan of them - I make no apologies for liking Stephen King, gimmmicky though he may be) and am about finished with that.

Anelith recced the Gormenghast series, which I had COMPLETELY forgotten was a book before a BBC series.

With all the online reading of late, I had almost completely forgotten how fun it was to sit in a comfy chair, cool breeze at m y face, drinks within reach, and a stack of books to crack.

I came home to massive roses (the most I've gotten yet!), crucifix lillies, day lillies, overgrown Russian and Dutch sage (I'm not complaining, mind) gladioulus ready to burst, what looks to be a bumper crop of tomatoes, and basil ready to set seed. I'll be sweet smelling and sweaty by the day's end. How are things faring in your plot of earth?
Re: Hey, Book-girl - julia_here - Jun. 10th, 2005 10:46 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hey, Book-girl - julia_here - Jun. 10th, 2005 10:48 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hey, Book-girl - stoney321 - Jun. 10th, 2005 10:53 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hey, Book-girl - julia_here - Jun. 10th, 2005 02:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hey, Book-girl - stoney321 - Jun. 10th, 2005 10:52 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hey, Book-girl - julia_here - Jun. 10th, 2005 02:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Jun. 10th, 2005 10:27 am (UTC)
ANNE!! If you were here I'd squish you and twirl you. How are you? I feel like I've been gone a month. It's actually a good feeling, you know? Everything home seems fun and new again.

As to the Stalker neighbor, we have an unspoken agreement: I watch her three sickly kitties (and they are very sweet, but produce more than they take in - a puzzle for the ages) when they leave town, and she watches mine. No money, but we usually buy each other a thank you gift. I feel better about the wooden pirate puzzle I feared seemed "cheap." Not to be snippy (but really, I'm being snippy) but I keep her house SPOTLESS twice a day when they leave. Her cats aren't "high maintenance" per se, but they are messy - litter everywhere. And I carry it to the outside can to keep the house fresh, move the litter pans and sweep around them (twice a day!) because nothing is worse than coming home to a funky smell.

I just checked the fish food and am SHOCKED by how much they overfed poor Dorrie. Ask Sue: my fish has personality in spades! And is too dumb to not eat the food given her. Two pellets. TWO. it looks like they gave her ten, four times a day. It's a wonder the fish didn't pop.

As to Harry Potter, my kids and I are already planning on our camp-out at the book store, which fun friends are coming, and how much Butterbeer we'll consume. We had so much fun for book 5. AHH!! I'm sure I'll stay up all night and finish 6 like I did the others. My love for HP is mad. MAD!! But not mad enough to join the fandom. Those folks are looney. Hee!! But I do like visiting checkmated.com as I am a loud and proud Ron/Hermione shipper. They're so kyooot!

(And for the record: the Princess Wampum fic was written a long time ago - I'm just being lazy and linking instead of typing up something new. And this has certainly been a chatty little comment, huh? I JEST LURVE EWE!)
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Jun. 10th, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
Dude, she neglected, nay! abused your cats. No love. Poor Crawford! And green beta water in 7 days? How?

Bad neighbor, no cookie for her.
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:38 pm (UTC)
I opened the fish food and she looks to have fed him several months worth of food. I wrote the shit down, SHOWED her... poor Dorrie. Her color was AWFUL last night. Changed her tank, put her "buddy" next to her this morning, and she's all wiggly and dancy in the water.

GAH!! How you doon? Mommio? Life?
... - cityphonelines - Jun. 10th, 2005 01:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 10th, 2005 12:06 pm (UTC)
Mean old stalker neighbor lady not feeding yer cats and overfeeding your fish.

Hope you didn't have to take Mr. Stoney to the hospital after the Great American Cat Shaving. Isn't that an event at the really lame 4-H conferences?

Glad you had a good time.

Very jealous. It's been 23 years (damn, I'm old) since I've been to Florida and Georgia.
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:40 pm (UTC)
He put his hunting gear on, as it's waterproofed and heavy. Ha.

Apparently there is a huge hurricane bearing down on the very spot where we were vacationing. Yipes. Good timing.
Jun. 10th, 2005 12:51 pm (UTC)
welcome home, honey! Missed ya!
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, hello, hello!! I have much catching up with you to do. I skimmed through my flist, and it looks like you've resigned? And are happy about it? Sounds AWESOME.

Will go indepth...

*hugs you HARD*
... - sangueuk - Jun. 10th, 2005 01:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:24 pm (UTC)
Hands up who thought shaving the cat was going to go quite differently.

::raises both hands::

Shorts are so vastly superior to bikini bottoms because the sunburn doesn't coincide with knicker elastic! And you're so right abut halter tops. I'd add 'perky' to the qualifications, too, because saggy + halter top = not so appealing.

I'm off to slaughter your incompetent animule-minders. Cheers! And welcome home :D
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:43 pm (UTC)
Hey, baby-cakes! As to the sagging? Yeah, your cleavage should put UPWARDS, not be a loooong line down your front to your belly-button. That's when underwire is your friend. (My mom is a 40 FFF - I know of which I speak)

I think we'll hire the 13 year old kids down the street next time. I used to love pet-sitting when I was a teenager.

*chugs beverage in your honor*
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC)
WooHoo! You're home.

I remember when I was in the 3rd grade and my mom had to shave our big ass Maine Coon cat. His name was Leroy and boy was he pissed. Good healing vibes are being sent to Mr. Stoney.

Your evil not taking care of fabulous animal's bitch neighbor needs a smack down.
I'm just sayin'.....
Jun. 10th, 2005 01:48 pm (UTC)
Captain Dennis!! Hee hee! Yar. 'Tis a foine animal, that he is. Arrgh.

And if you're gonna be all smart and spell the breed properly... SHEESH. Our MAINE coon is a lovely animal with a snaggle tooth that hangs out, causing him to drool at affection, but he is SOLID muscle and I've seen him leap onto the SIDE of the fence, trap a squirrel, and kill it. All while suspended on the fence. He has back legs like a sumbitch. As my scarred hands will testify.

And how much do I love the name Leroy for a cat? I like human names for animals. My favorite cat EVER was a ginger named George. One day I will have a horse named Steve. (My noble Steve.)
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Jun. 10th, 2005 02:34 pm (UTC)
::runs you over with mad happy love:: YAY! DON'T GO FOR THAT LONG AGAIN! ::clings::

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Oooh, I feel for you and the Bad Petsitter. I have tales to tell about that, including the one who changed litter varieties on my cats from sand to gravel and so one cat wouldn't use the box for the six weeks we were out of town while my father was dying and used every available surface in the storage area, including the hammock, and then moved on to the couch. She claims she didn't notice. ::rolls eyes::

Then the one who talks in screechy baby talk voices to my cats that put my hair on end, claimed to be a vet tech, and then didn't give my cat her antibiotics.

OOh, I wanna go to the beach. Well, without my current body, but I do want to go to the beach. Thank you very much for the sand castle making!

I'd be far more clever, but I've had a long car ride today and am knackered. :;hugs you again::
Jun. 10th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
I cannot stress enough the board shorts! And tankini top! Or anything made at Land's End. They make suits for WOMEN, thank you and hallelujah.

Didn't smell CAT PISS for 6 weeks? I'da snuck into HER house and pooped on her fine china. That is not a smell to be trifled with. POOPED ON HER CHINA, DO YOU HEAR ME??

I hug you and feed you trufles with milk chocolate and hazelnut. Mmmm.
... - beadattitude - Jun. 10th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Jun. 10th, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC)
That's so cute that you think I don't have it. *EYEROLL*
Hi, Breath!! How you doon? What's new, or as the kids say these days: how's it shaking?

You will DIE when you see Scrappy with the hair-do. So maybe you shouldn't look when I post the pics. OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD.
Jun. 10th, 2005 02:58 pm (UTC)
Oy you get a lotta comments.

Anyway. Welcome home and stuff. And my dad's cat Chelsea is getting shaved Tuesday, but I'm leaving it to the pros. I'm not getting all scratched up, no way, not me!!

I'm not all that hot on "Into the West" but I'll have to watch it 'cause my friend Irene is in it! I'm hoping she dies early on and I can be done. Miniseries are too long for me. The last one I watched in its entirety might be "Lace." Or "Rich Man, Poor Man," still the best miniseries evar. I know this even though I haven't watched any others.
Jun. 10th, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
I'm a bit of a Chatty McChatterson...

I cannot WAIT for the film to be developed of this cat. We filled a trashbag with fur. I've put bottles next to him so you can get the impression of size with this monster beast. But he's so sooooooft. Mmmm.

I'd say the last LONG mini-series I watched was North and South. "I beg pardon, Mistah Orry Main, but you, sir, are a bastard!" Wait. I liked "Taken," too. I guess that makes me a bit of a TV whore. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?? *cries*

Rich Man, Poor Man. That's a GOOD one.
Jun. 10th, 2005 04:14 pm (UTC)
*smooches* Glad you had an awesome vacation! I hear you on the halter top bathingsuits! I always try them on, look down and go, "Whoa, jugs!" No thankee. I, myself, am a big fan of the tanktop bathingsuit tops (with the clevage) and shorts of some kind. It's like I'm wearing clothes but it's a BATHINGSUIT!!! *g* And this from a swimmer...heh. Racing suits are so much more comfortable, and not beach material.

I goota tell you, in my backyard Darth Widow would be DEAD...if I could get close enough without freaking out and running away. *shudder* spiders...
Jun. 10th, 2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
DARTH WIDOW. I'm getting over my fear. Mainly because she is contained in a vessel that the children cannot open. It's... kind of cool to watch her in action. She's luring me in... I can feel her arachnid mind working on me....

Racing suits are COMFY. But yes to the not good beach material. I stand by my shorts and bra-like top. Covered, comfy, and able to move without spilling out in a cottage cheese like manner. Mmm. Want some rice pudding? *G*
Jun. 10th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)

Don't ever go away again! Actually, from the sounds of it, I don't think your pets would survive if you went away again.

Uh oh. This doesn't bode well for your (possible?)trip in July! I'm hoping that there will be beach weather by that time. I can't wear no bikini though. I'll be in my muumuu.

Dude, you write RPS? Slach RPS too? You're sick!!!
Hahahha...it's not like I ever read wangst or anything. *ahem*

Anyhooo, speaking of writing stuff, I know of some peeps at summer_of_spike who would greatly appreciate your skills! I'd be so happy!

Anyway, missed seeing you around! ::smooshes::
Jun. 10th, 2005 06:22 pm (UTC)
MY LOVE!!! I meeest you, too. When we leave to come up north, the kids will be here with Grandma and Grandpa, so no worries on the animals. I'll have to hire a neighbor child to take car of them if we go on a longer trip.

I WRITE RPS, man. I am SICK. I couldn't believe this girl was shaking her finger at me when I want to yell at her: It's an NC-17 site, dumbass! The category is Star Wars ACTORS. I think she said something to the tune of "this is all kinds of wrong."

That's like a super-religious person going to a strip club to tell the people there they are naked and sinning. While slipping a five in a G-string.

(And it's not like I use foul language - I try to write it in a respectful manner. No "dripping" or "uuuhhhhn" or "ass-fuck" or stuff like that. It's all classy and shit. Hee hee!)
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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