Written for the MOPEathon, headed by crazydiamondsue and brandil
Xander: Character Study/GEN fic
Setting: Post "Lover's Walk," or Cordelia's discovery of Willow and Xander's make-out session.
Song: Ray Charles', 'I'm Busted' and it WAS on an album with some of his country stuff, so gimmie a break. :-D
"Yes, Please Tell Me About YOUR Bad Day."
"Stupid. That was stupid. Hottest girl in school. With the guh and the whoa and the eye popping? STUPID. Guys like me don't get girls like Cordelia. Huh. Who am I kidding? Guys like me don't get girls like WILLOW. Man, is she looking hot lately... The way that red hair swings on her shoulders, and her cute fuzzy sweaters, and she smells so... What the hell is wrong with me? Yeah, my life isn't complicated."
Xander continued walking down the bike path next to Sunnydale Memorial Cemetary, intent on seeing Giles and getting someone, anyone, to talk to him and tell him what was happening with Cordelia and Willow. Cordy had made it clear that Xander wasn't welcome back at the hospital, or pretty much welcome on planet Earth, and Willow wasn't ready to talk to him about getting caught. Or make out anymore.
"Man. It can't get much worse."
"See, that's where you'd be wrong."
Xander whirled around, fists at the ready, cringe creeping up his features, as he braced himself for horns, demonic strength, maybe some flying goo that stung... What he found was worse.
"Getting in a little masculine blubbering before noon?"
"Okay! Always a pleasure."
Xander made a low bow, turned and huffed an exasperated sigh as he resumed his walk n' talk on the way to Giles' place.
"Does she even own any pants other than leather? Not that I'm compaining but... Harris! Jesus jumped up and got horny! Enough already."
"You always talk to yourself when you walk? Didn't think you could do that. Hey, here's a stick of gum. Come on: it'll be funny to watch you fall down."
"Do you mind? I'm having a conversation here."
Faith raised an eyebrow, looked around.
"Yeah. So! How's the slaying?"
"Whatever. Listen, I'm waiting on a guy that has a thing and owes me some stuff. Why don't you give me a twenty and we'll call it even?"
"Yeah. Man, just standing next to you is making me lose cool points. And if anyone worth anything was nearby? This?" She pointed at herself, then Xander, and then back to her chest. "Would not happen. Period. So. About that twenty.... Ten, five, and five ones, two tens, whatever."
"Yeah. See, I don't have twenty, and even if I did I- "
But Faith had bailed with a "pfft" and a muttered "loser" under her breath.
"Nice to see you, Faith! I'll just take this last shred of dignity I have left and - WATCH OUT!"
A kid, swathed in elbow pads, knee pads, and helmet, rode towards him wobbling left and right, and apparently, unable to stop himself. At the last second, Xander stepped off the path and right into -
"Shit! Oh, sorry. Crap!"
Xander hopped one-legged over to a tree and used a few fallen leaves to clean off the mess from the bottom of his lug-soled boot. Apparently, the mess he stepped in was not just offensive to HIS nostrils, but to a stray German shepherd that happened to be passing by. The dog bared his teeth and growled low in his throat.
"Nice doggie. Sandy? Uh... Rin Tin Tin? Lassie?"
The dog apparently was offended at being called a female name and lunged, grabbed the edge of the boot, and chomped down on a good portion of Xander's pants in addition. Xander wrapped his arms around the base of the tree and tugged his leg trying to free it. The dog let go and lunged at him again, grabbed on to the heel of Xander's boot, and gave a good yank of his own. Xander shook his leg from side to side, and gave a loud bellow for good measure.
The boot slipped free, and the dog trotted off with it happily trapped in his jowls.
Xander, wry grin firmly in place, stood, dusted off his pants, and started back on his trek to Giles' house. And stepped ankle deep in a sludgy puddle. Some nimrod gave him a round of applause. He gave a little smile, all while thinking death, daggers and a good, sound flaying for the jerk, then slosh-stomped the remaining way to his Scoobie meeting, passing gawkers and mothers who pulled their children off the walkway and away from the growling, filthy boy.
"The wooden door of safety," Xander sighed, as he rested his palms and forehead on the last remaining barrier to friends and comfort. A sudden, plopping wetness on his shoulder.
"You have to be kidding me." He looked up and saw a pigeon on the top of the doorframe who was looking down at him questioningly.
"Giles!!" Xander pounded his fist on the door. "Giles! Open up! Hurry!"
Giles opened the door, Buffy was behind him, standing against the stair rail. "Good lord, Xander. The door is open, for heaven's sake."
Xander headed straight for the credenza where the donuts were waiting. "Ah, jelly donut. You take all the pain away."
He bit into the raspberry-filled donut to find -
"Lemon? Yeeuch." Xander walked around the corner and spat the offending filling into the sink, and missed entirely. His shirt and crotch were now bathed in yellow goo and half-chewed donut.
"Okay. That's it," He turned towards his friends, hands in the air with pointy fingers, not caring that powder from the donut flew out of his mouth, or that he was squishing the filling down his arm. "No more pooping or biting or spooging on me any MORE!"
Buffy looked askance at the messy boy raving in the kitchen. "Spooging? Where have you been this morning? 'Rods?' "
Giles did a double take at his ward, muttered something about girls in his day and propriety, all while cleaning his glasses. He tossed a tea towel to Xander and began outlining the attack plan for the latest Big Bad.
"Xander, you will put on this, " Giles handed over a drawing of what appeared to be-
"Bloody entrails? You want me to, what? WEAR THEM?"
"Yes. We'll drape them about your body, you'll lie in wait on a park bench, and when the Gordok demon smells them, he'll come to you."
Buffy interrupted, "And something in the guts gets him all... Uh, ready. So when he flares his... Giles?"
"Thank you, Buffy. He'll flare his genitalia, then come at you, at which point he will be vulnerable and Buffy can then-"
Xander stood without a word. He walked up to Giles and slapped his face. Turned. Walked out of the apartment. Walked straight home. Ignored his mother screaming at him for forgetting to take out the trash. Nodded at his dad who was calling him an idiot who couldn't remember anything. Headed down the stairs to the basement. Crawled under the table where the laundry was folded after snagging his Star Wars fleece blanket and went to sleep, thumb securely plugged in his mouth.