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The Return of Wee!Spike!

Let's just say I read something recently that inspired this new chapter of Wee!Spike. For those just joining us, this is based on crappy characterizations of Spike, wherein he is Angel's snuggle bunny and youthful and small and such. So. What if, when Angel looks down with love and devotion to his little silver-haired otter of ass love, Spike shrank to 5 inches? But remained as horny as ever?

Let's find out! Thanks to dovil and crazydiamondsue for reasons they know all too well.

And so you will be forewarned, I may have stumbled across some "Bionic Man" fic. This will make sense when you read...

The Return of Wee!Spike: More Wee!

The tale begins here...


"Spike, I... Oh. My. Gnowrraauh!"

Angel was on all fours, Wee!Spike was inside his love hole jumping up and down on the engorged prostate secreted away (Shh! It's a secret!), and bringing about Angel's largest orgasm yet. And then... Nothing. Angel panted unnecessarily (vampire, and all) and tried to get his racing heart-rate under control. Then remembered that his heart didn't beat.

"Spike? That was fantastic. You can come out now. Spikey? Mah shortie? Wee little Beep-Beep?"

Angel began to panic. Spike, made Wee from Angel's love, was usually able to go several rounds in succession, and they had just begun their routine love-making marathon sessions, which made being a vampire fun. The sex, you know. Not the whole killing thing. But... nothing. Wait. There was something. Angel felt a fluttering in his bum. After a few moments, he realized there was a ... pattern?

Afraid of hurting his Niño Pequeño, he scootched back on his knees until he was backed up to the large mirror in the living room. Yes, it was Morse code.

"S.... O....? So in love? Oh, baby, I'm so in love, too - OUCH!"

For such a Wee little mouth, Wee!Spike could sure pack a sharp bite.

"Okay. S... O.... S? S.O.S? Spike? Oh, baby! Hang on! I'll get help! Don't you go dying on me!"

If Angel hadn't been so focused on scootching to the phone, ass cheeks clenched to keep his pygmy lover safely ensconced in his passion pouch, he would have heard a diminutive voice call out, "I'm... already... dead.. you git!"

Angel grudgingly called the one man who could save his diminished lover.


"Spike, William the Bloody, Vampire. A man barely alive. Oh, right. A vampire barely undead. Angel, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic vamp. Spike will be that vamp. Better than he was before: Wee-er, hornier...."

Angel almost passed out, before he realized he didn't breathe, and therefore, couldn't faint. If what Riley said was true... Was it possible? Could Spike be made MORE Wee? Hornier? It didn't seem possible. Or plausible. Why would he want anyone smaller than five inches in his bum?

"I'm sorry Riley, but why would I want anyone smaller than five inches in my bum?"

Riley smirked at the tall, brooding vampire. You'd think all the marathon sex would take that frown and turn it upside down, but...

"Okay, we aren't going to make him more Wee. That would be ridiculous. But. We will make him hornier. And bionic. But only his dick."

"Can you, um, make THAT less Wee?"

"My god, man! He's a tripod as it is! But yes. Actually, that was the first thing I thought of. For, you know, experimental reasons. You know what they say, 'You can take the boy out of the Initiative, but you can't take the initiative out of the boy.' "

The two men held hands and looked down at the Lilliputian Vampire laid on a white tea towel, itty-bitty wires and tubes coming out of his miniscule body. A nurse entered with a Barbie™-sized pair of tongs and what looked like a stainless-steel stir-stick.

Angel gasped, which again was strange because, hello! Vampire! You don't breathe, ding-dong! But Riley, stalwart and true Riley, who hid all of his lust for the dark, grumpy, fuss-pot of a Vamp behind seething rage and hatred, just gave his hand a squeeze, then brought it to his Iowan lips for a chaste, but meaningful kiss.

Angel said with remorse, regret, and repression, "I still hate you, fucker."

Riley chuckled, and broke apart their hands to make finger-quotes while he stated, "Yeah, I 'hate you' too."

Angel sighed (again, dude! Come on! You had over 250 years to figure this shit out!), and prepared himself for hours of flipping through out-of-date magazines, nothing but the steady beep of the machines that kept his lover alive, er, undead, as company.

A soldier approached him with a clipboard.

"Sir? We have some papers for you to sign. And the bill."

"Bill? You're going to charge me? How much is all of this going to cost?"

"Well, if it had been a normal-size man, it would be upwards of five million, nine-hundred eighty-seven thousand dollars. Before tax, which brings it to... Six million. But, since he's so Wee, we're looking at twenty-seven dollars and fifty-two cents. After tax."

Angel took the clip-board and signed his X.

"Uh, sir? I'm afraid you can't sign 'X' for your name."

Angel looked coolly at the soldier, contemplated ripping his throat out, but remembered that being a vampire was about SEX and not KILLING, and refrained. And signed 'Angel' in a lovely, flowing calligraphy.

Riley ran out of the OR, breathless because he was human and apparently in very poor shape, and grabbed Angel's hand. "He's waking up!" They kissed, and then went into the operating room.

Two nurses were using cotton swabs to clean the tiny body on the operating tray. They pulled the Kleenex™ off his body to reveal...

Angel gasped and clutched at Riley's powerful, military arm. Riley looked askance at the butch Vampire. Gasping? But then Riley had turned his full attention on the weeny platinum-topped Vampire and gasped himself, and rightfully so, being human with working lungs, and all.

Protruding from the pint-sized (milliliter being more appropriate, Spike being from the UK and all, but this was an American operation, dammit) blood-sucker and ass-fucker was what appeared to be-

"A telescope? Did you replace his glorious cock with a telescope?" Angel began weeping.

A doctor, a MILITARY doctor, came from behind a large, beeping machine. "No. It isn't a telescope in the traditional sense. But it is a bionic, telescoping dick. He will be able to make it as large as he, or we, need. It makes a cool neeneenahnah sound when it expands, too."

Angel felt the world swirl around him as he began to pass- crap. He blinked feverishly. "Did you say as large as we need? Why do YOU need it to do anything? He's my Wee!Spike! I paid for him and everything!"

Riley began to soothe the upset serial killing vampire with tender kisses along his jaw-line. "Angel. I asked for fine print to be inserted in the bill of sale that you signed, beautifully, I might add, that I have access to Wee!Spike. For purely experimental reasons, of course, because anyone familiar with my history knows I hate the two of you with every fiber of my being."

Riley's hateful hands were now working the belt buckle of Angel's pants undone.

"Yes. Yes, of course, I see."

"A... Angel? Love tits? You here, Captain Forehead?"

Riley raised his hand in salute, then realized Spike was talking about Angel. Angel did up his pants and rushed to Spike's side. Well, he rushed over to the shiny tray Spike was laying on.

"Baby? My little moppet?"

"Oi! Was YOU that turned into a puppet, not me!"

"No, no, schmoopy, I said 'moppet' as a term of endearment, because I'm running out of ways to say 'I love you, little fella!' How... how do you feel?"

Spike tried to keep his eyes open. Every square centimeter of him ached. He smacked his gummy, dry lips a few times and croaked out, "Horny."

The nurse staff high-fived at a job well done and Riley planted a tonguey kiss on Angel in congratulations. There was a metallic clinking. Angel turned (in slow motion) and saw the Wee pee-pee on his doll-sized lover telescoping straight up. And right into his heart. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Wee!Spike would live. Stronger and hornier, for ever.


( 57 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jul. 18th, 2005 10:09 am (UTC)
Oh my god, you hurt me, Stoney! You hurt me with the humor, and with the reading surreptitiously at work, and with this line:

But Riley, stalwart and true Riley, who hid all of his lust for the dark, grumpy, fuss-pot of a Vamp behind seething rage and hatred, just gave his hand a squeeze, then brought it to his Iowan lips for a chaste, but meaningful kiss.

And hey, don't knock Riley's Iowan lips! Corn bred lips are the best because...yeah, I don't know where I'm going with that one either.

**sneaks off**

Jul. 18th, 2005 10:39 am (UTC)
Oh, baby, I love me some corn-fed lips. I like the All-American Male look LONG time. :-D

I got you to read Wee!Spike at work!! Hee hee!!

So. When is the next chapter of your GOOD RILEY fic coming out? Because I need to cleanse my brain after this last one. Leik woah.
... - entrenous88 - Jul. 18th, 2005 10:49 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:09 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:28 am (UTC)
OW! I hurt myself laughing. Also not very witty today. ::blows birthday horn to compensate::

AND YES! I plan on coming to NYC...you must send me details! Where when, English or European Sparrows and all that whatnot.

Jul. 18th, 2005 10:41 am (UTC)
WAIT A MINUTE. Is today your BIRTHDAY??? OMG! What can I do for you?? I'm buying brunch when I see you. ACK! *flails*

Okay. #1: glad you liked and laughed. #2 OMG! Is it your birthday??? #3: NYC! Brunch on Sat or Sunday? You tell me when you can. We're staying at the W on Broadway, but we are adventurous and will gladly come to you as I'm itching to feel like a local and take a train somewhere.
Stop Flailing! It's okay! - beadattitude - Jul. 18th, 2005 01:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:37 am (UTC)
Angel gasped, which again was strange because, hello! Vampire! You don't breathe, ding-dong! But Riley, stalwart and true Riley, who hid all of his lust for the dark, grumpy, fuss-pot of a Vamp behind seething rage and hatred, just gave his hand a squeeze, then brought it to his Iowan lips for a chaste, but meaningful kiss.

*holds her spitting side* Stoney you are trying to kill me. Admit it. Admit it. I'm going to get you, after I stop laughing.
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:42 am (UTC)
Hee hee! God, I have missed Wee!Spike....

So glad I could get you to laugh!
*dances and shimmies*
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:43 am (UTC)
Whee!! I still have to stop and make finger-quotes when I read that line. Ha ha!!

Thanks, tootsie!!
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:40 am (UTC)
Thi stor abou we Spik i brillian ! Bu I thin yo misspelle som o th name. Lik Spik. An Ange. An th othe on .
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:44 am (UTC)
OMFG how culd i bee so stoopit?!lol. I gof ix it now leik now.

Goddammit. I'm buying you a pony. *points to icon*
... - mpoetess - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:08 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:10 am (UTC) - Expand
... - mpoetess - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:28 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT? - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:38 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 18th, 2005 10:47 am (UTC)
Hee!! *dies a little bit* Too. funny. :P
Jul. 18th, 2005 11:08 am (UTC)
*gives you elixir*

Hee!! Wait. Too funny? Is such a thing possible? ;-D
Jul. 18th, 2005 11:02 am (UTC)
Finding it hard to breathe for the giggling.
Jul. 18th, 2005 11:07 am (UTC)
I'm so sad for your icon. He looks lonely without his 5 inch lover...

Hee! And glad I could make you laugh!
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 18th, 2005 11:12 am (UTC)
Wee love is clean and pure, and hand collected in the tear ducts of angels from the highest mountain peaks not littered with climber's poo.

Which means it is EXACTLY like the love we share. Minus the poo. What?

QUIT EATING. I could be brilliant at ANY MOMENT and you'll MISS IT! Random CAPS are FUN.

What did you eat fer lunch?
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 11:24 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 12:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
WOMEN WEAKEN LEGS. - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 03:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
BAH! - stoney321 - Jul. 18th, 2005 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 18th, 2005 12:52 pm (UTC)
Well, in order to have a lover in miniature, you have to:

*be a serial killer, known and feared across the globe and HISTORY
*completely forget the above
*like cuddles, puppies, and slow walks in the rain
*find the most perfect bottom and forget he, too was a killer and call him your widdle pweshus loverkins
*wha-la! miniature lover.

Jul. 18th, 2005 01:14 pm (UTC)
You can take the boy out of the Initiative, but you can't take the initiative out of the boy.

Ah, finally someone noting the nobility of my boy Riley! Or as I shall now ever after call him, "Rile."

I did come home from work early after receiving a particularly vile email from one of our problem employees. And I gotta say, I'm thinking I'd rather be drinking!
Jul. 18th, 2005 02:04 pm (UTC)
Hooray! I love that bit about the initiative. I love Riley, but find Fic!Riley to be an odd duck. An example would be the fic I read this morning that inspired this post. Just... wow. Okay. He's all big and militaristic and did I mention big? GOT IT. Oh, yeah, farm boy, Corn-Fed Riley, etc. OKAY. Sheesh. Heee!!

His name is "Rile" because he's so ANGRY all the time. Because he wants his own Wee!Spike and Angel keeps bogarting it.

I'm sorry you're having a crap day! Go uptop and read the thread from Entre and MPoetess. That should give you a giggle. WHEEE!! Oops, I mean: weee!
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 18th, 2005 02:06 pm (UTC)
Wee!Spike! Oh, how I've missed him. :-D

I've just started posting the series on AFF.net because I'm a glutton for punishment, and got a review that read, "ehh... wow"

I'm thinking they don't get it... ANNE!! I love you!! Just reminding you, 'sall.
Jul. 18th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
"Passion pouch" may be the funniest phrase I've ever read. EVER. You are an evil genius.
Jul. 18th, 2005 04:28 pm (UTC)
Ha ha!! Dovil found one that beats mine by a long shot. I'll email it to you. Seriously.

I think passion pouch may be one of my surprise favorites. I just let the demons inside me take over...
Jul. 18th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
Heee! That was fabulous! Thank you :D

And thanks for reminding us that vampires don't breathe. It really can't be said often enough!
Jul. 19th, 2005 04:31 am (UTC)
Vampires don't breath, sigh, exhale hard from their nose when angry, have no heartbeat, and I'm thinking... they don't poo.

But then again, I don't really read about REAL people pooping, so I don't really care about vampires potty habits. But I've found fics that think this is IMPORTANT PLOT INFORMATION, yis.

HI!! How are you? Your icon makes me happy.
... - zyrya - Jul. 19th, 2005 05:10 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 18th, 2005 11:27 pm (UTC)
Gnowrraauh! is all I can say because I have no words, but I'm now rubbing my arse all over your legs, that's how much I love you for this! I have pants on though so it's all right.

The measurements, the Six Million Dollar Man sound effects penis, the Riley and Angel bits, and even morse (arse?) code! You are the Queen of Stuff. Very funny stuff! I applaude you and vomit on your shoes from nervous hysterical laughter.

*rubs arse on your legs again for luck*
Jul. 19th, 2005 04:29 am (UTC)
Well. I think you and I can agree that Riley DEFINITELY had the hots for both Angel and Spike, and I didn't forget to mention that he was in the military, so I'd say my characterization was spot on. And I didn't forget that Angel broods, and loves Spike with all his (undead) heart, and that Spike likes sex. I'm, like, the best fanfiction writer ever for remembering that...

Dammit. I should have named the nurse "Joyce" and the doctor "Giles." Oh! And the doctor could say, "Good Lord!" a lot and rub his glasses! That is SO like him. Ha ha ha! I should win awards.

You rule for you know what. [/cryptic]
Jul. 19th, 2005 11:25 pm (UTC)
Dude. You are the only one who can make me read slash and teehee like a teeheeing thing. Well, except dovil. But yeah. I will forever refer to Spike as Wee little Beep Beep. I needed a laugh. Thanks sweet. So sorry you didn't contribute in Summer of Spike. This would have been an homage with the SOS morse code. Bwahahahahaha!
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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